So it's probably no secret around this blog and elsewhere that I've been a little preoccupied by the topic of babies and motherhood for quite a while. I don't seem to be able to write much fiction or music, other than the songwriting challenge, and I have not had a lot of energy for the time and marketing it would take to get and do the type of freelance writing I would prefer. Thankfully it just took a few phone calls to get me some steady income for a while in an area I have a lot of experience but not a lot of love (government agency technical writing). I am very lucky for that. I took my first extended absence from the baby (extended = four hours) recently to go to a work meeting, you know the sort of thing "working moms" do from the time their babies are three months old (I both envy them and am sad for them--there's really no perfect answer). Anyway, I think I just need to get some ideas out that have been churning through my mind for the last seven months and maybe, just maybe, I will feel lighter having dumped that burden. That and better able to do other things and have other conversations.
You see, there's a good reason I'm preoccupied. This is not just some new accessory I'm sporting. Or a puppy. It's not a new job. It's not even a new marriage. Don't get me wrong, I think a marriage relationship is the most important one you can enter into with another person. That's why it can be such a hard decision to make. And it's why all the heartbreak that comes beforehand is worth it. But most of the challenges of my marriage I could have predicted since I had, you know, met my husband (and known him for four and a half years). A baby is completely new and unknown. For all the build up to it: the registries, the baby shower, prepping the nursery, counting the weeks and identifying which fruit the baby now resembles, dreaming what it will be like, fearing labor and delivery and planning your "method" for getting through it, saving money and preparing to reschedule your life. It's like all of that was just noise. Sure it's kind of necessary and certainly helps you prepare as much as it is possible. But all of that noise turns to silence with the first cries that a tiny newborn makes. This being comes into your life and everything about her is so completely her and you have to get to know her ASAP from zero. Oh, and she depends on you for everything ever. I know this is a Captain Obvious kind of remark but it can't be ignored: EVERYTHING CHANGES.
Of course I can only speak for myself. And I can only talk about a healthy pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby. I'm sure there are plenty of women who could tell me "You have no idea." And they would be right. In fact, if I have learned anything through pregnancy and mothering a newborn, it is that YOU CAN NEVER TELL what it's like to be in someone else's shoes and to have to make the decisions they have to make. Decisions like whether to have a medicated or non-medicated birth, whether to breastfeed or bottlefeed (although I still think you should give breastfeeding a good TRY), whether to use disposable or cloth diapers, seem much less important to me now, so I'm sure I can make no pronouncement on other experiences and struggles I have never had like babies with serious birth defects or miscarriages. I can offer ONE THING that I have learned that might apply to every mom and would-be mom and that is:
Becoming a mother is a big deal and you just HAVE to have patience: patience with the circumstance you are in and definitely patience with yourself and how bad you may be at some things. We are being made into Mothers. It is no small task. Every hard thing that happens and that we make it through makes us more the kind of Mom we need to be for those sweet and needy little monsters, now or in the future.
That's what I think anyway. Maybe this is another Captain Obvious remark, but I'm new at this. I'm sure I will continue to learn more and have more challenging experiences and will look back on this moment and say, "If you only knew," but I THINK the main sentiment will still be true.
So far, this has been my experience:
I fell in love with this baby.
Who is now this baby:
Before I know it she will be a little girl. But here's the truth: I did not fall in love with her immediately (at least as completely) as El Esposo did. Possibly because of how that fateful night went down almost completely oppositely from how we had planned.
{EDIT: I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT POSTING THE LABOR STORY. I REMEMBER NOT WANTING TO READ ANYONE ELSE'S STORY WHEN I WAS PREGNANT AND IT WAS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST SO I'M KEEPING IT TO MYSELF. IT IS SUFFICIENT TO SAY I LEARNED IT'S JUST GOING TO GO HOW IT'S GOING TO GO AND THERE'S NOT A LOT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, BUT OF COURSE IT IS WORTH IT.}
To be continued...
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