In a couple weeks I earn my golden ta-tas for one year of service. I'm sure plenty of people will think this comparison is ridiculous but I feel almost like a deployed soldier. Motherhood itself is very much an "in the trenches" activity--or it can be. How a mommy feeds her baby, specifically, seems to be such a personal thing and a journey of self-discovery for so many of us mommies. I would never judge any mom that ended up making different choices than I did re: what to feed her babies (assuming it's relatively healthy of course), but for me I feel like I've really earned the right to say "I can do hard things."
For some moms, maybe breastfeeding was the easy part. For others maybe it wasn't the thing for them or they weren't able to do it--I guarantee to you that I would not have managed it if I had gone back to work full-time as I am not a good pumper. I know for some, their journey of self-discovery includes them having to make the gut-wrenching decision to stop trying to swim upstream, that it is best for their baby and family to formula-feed. But, this is my blog, and for me breastfeeding was both very difficult AND the right thing to do.
At the hospital the nurses said, "You're doing everything you're supposed to. I don't know why it's not working. Just keep trying, I guess?"
Then the one lactation consultant said, "You may just not be able to breastfeed."
But the other one said, "You've definitely got something (colostrum) in there. Don't give up. Try this," and then she would forcibly shove my newborn's face against me and MAKE IT WORK. She was kind of nuts, but she was also the one that gave me hope. I needed that hope when I was waiting 7 or 8 days for my milk to come in (for the uninitiated, that's late).
Next came the endless (baby) crying and the doctor saying she had lost more than 10% of her birth weight and we would have to supplement after feeding. Oh noes. The books I read said supplementing was the beginning of the end for breastfeeding. I was, of course, distraught. It's very easy to become distraught when you are a new mom.
Well, not so, says the lady two weeks shy of the one year mark for breastfeeding (ahem: me). Sometimes your baby just needs a little extra help to live. And sleep. And grow. You might still be able to feed them 80-90% of what they need (or maybe not, but you gotta do what you gotta do).
So marathon feedings, and colicky baby, and acid reflux, and supplements (first after every feeding day and night and eventually consolidated), and mastitis x 2, and mommy's depression, and squirming, wriggling, distracted, and how-could-I-forget biting baby, and how can it be worth it? How can still waking up at 5 am every morning for the early morning feed be worth it at this point? I'll be honest: possibly the biggest motivator this whole time has been the fact that I am cheap. We only ever had to buy two things of formula (hooray for free samples), so score one for the cheap lady. And yes there is that magical moment at 5 am, or 2:30 am if that's when she's feeling it, when the baby smiles at only her mommy while the world sleeps, and that is pretty neat too. Okay it's really neat.
I recently read an article about how breastfeeding moms need more support to be successful. There's no doubt it would be a lot easier for would-be-breast feeders if pumping at work was encouraged rather than simply allowed (and then only if you can make it fit into your meeting schedules, etc., and oh yeah possibly in the bathroom stall). And if lactation consultants were covered by insurance and easy to find (maybe at the pediatrician's office!).
But the bizarre thing to me about the article were the angry comments from one mom to another. This first year of new baby is hard enough without the judging, or the even more prevalent judging the judgers (huh?). I try to just ignore this oddly vindictive/defensive back-and-forth and focus on the fact that I did what I thought I could not and I am a stronger person and mom for it.
I think just about every mom can say that about something. I am sure that my own mom can. She can also say that she stood by me as I became a mom for the first time, during the fumbling, no-sleeping, clueless, helpless, energy-sapping, scary time post-hospital and pre-sanity return. I wonder if that was a "hard thing" for her. Maybe after raising four kids nothing is hard anymore. In any case, moms are awesome.
I sure hope I can be an awesome mom. Maybe little A will tell me so in about 31 years.
5 comments:
Talking about breastfeeding, and or feeding newborns is always an interesting conversation to me. Probably because I too am so affected by this topic. But for now I just want say, "Great Job!"
Mom to Daughter-Mom: You done good!
Nice job! I too am proud of you. Not b/c of your choice, but b/c of sticking to it. Kelly did the one year marathon as well. And yes, she had all the complaints that you have. She also went back to work at 3 months, had to install curtains in her office so she could pump between meetings/lunch/etc and wash her equipment in the bathroom! At the two week mark, she was literally throwing in the towel and I (I think having a spouse that supports your decision, again whatever one! is super important) told her just try one more time and if it didn't work, we'd buy formula in the morning. Well, it worked and we only used formula for keeping the supply up near the end of a year when her supply started to wane, most likely due to work schedule.
As a man, it's fascinating and also sad that we can't create that connection with our children, but having been 'next to' the connection, it is still something I don't think can be matched.
Oh, I remember the agony of waiting for my milk to come in and all the while watching my baby lose more and more weight. Now with a baby in the 97th percentile for weight I want to laugh at newborn mom me and say, "Just be patient." But you never know at the time what the outcome will be and it's hard not to freak out. I'm so glad you didn't give up. Breastfeeding is hard but so worth it, in my opinion. And I totally hear you on the only-for-mommy baby smiles and baby moments. Magical. Keep up the good work (and the blogging). You are a source of much mommy-related inspiration and encouragement for me.
I know this comment is a little late, but I kept marking your post in my google reader because I wanted to really really read what you had to say. I am so proud of you!!! Breastfeeding was the hardest part of motherhood for me during the first 6 months of Ryan's life as well, and most often I feel like "no one could ever understand how difficult it was for me in my circumstances and with our specific problems!" Even after it all got better and worked out (still going!), I was still feeling a little bitter at those that had it "easy" :) I guess reading your post helped me realize that for those that do have problems breastfeeding, even if they're different...they still "get" it. Thank you for teaching me that!!! Congrats for thriving in the breastfeeding world!!!!
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