40 Years 40 Songs: 1978 - 1981

When I was a kid, one of my most prized possessions was the mini-boombox I would use to play my cassette tapes and record my favorite songs when they came on the radio. Then as a teenager, after being given my guitar for Christmas, I started writing songs and recording them on blank tapes. Now, of course, there's an app for that. I just press the record button and three minutes later I'm done and my mp3 is ready for uploading.

This definitely falls short of my husband's recording engineering standards, but we are talking about 40 songs here. So, live one-track recordings are the name of the game. That means there might be some flaws. I might cringe a little listening to occasional voice croaks and little stumbles on guitar. Being a non-professional, though, and in the spirit of documenting reality, I'm going to keep the tracks with a couple stumbles. Major screw-ups will get a re-do; I do have some pride.

And now the tracks!

1978 - One Way or Another - Blondie

This is a fun creepy song that I like a lot. It is full of barre chords and my hands are aching by the time I get to the end (more practice and exercises would probably help, but you know, life). Anyway, it is worth it. My research tells me Debbie Harry has sung this song as recently as last year. She is 72. I also found out she went to Centenary College in Hackettstown, NJ. WHAT? (I went to high school a few miles away from there and my first jobs were in the fast food strip of Hackettstown.) Hell yeah!

1979 - (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding - Elvis Costello (Nick Lowe)

So Elvis Costello recorded and released this song in 1979, but I found out that it was actually written by Nick Lowe, and the way he plays is much more chill and soulful. I tried playing this song multiple ways at multiple speeds and finally decided to go with the faster punchier version. I like the earnestness of songs like this, but have a hard time writing them myself without sounding like a schmaltzy fool.

1980 - Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division

So a lot of people know that Joy Division were these post-punk pioneers that were maybe on the verge of being the biggest band in the world and then Ian Curtis, the singer, committed suicide. The remaining members formed New Order, who became even more successful, adding some electronic music to the mix. This song is straightforward garage depression rock, I guess, if that's a thing. Their recording has a repeating keyboard part plus grungy guitars and I am missing that cool combo. So you should listen to the original if you haven't.

1981 - Talk of the Town - The Pretenders

Chrissy Hynde is my homegirl. If I have learned anything from this project so far, it is that I love her and every incarnation of The Pretenders. I would maybe form a The Pretenders cover band if I thought I could pull off the effortless cool swagger. Anyway, this is one of their songs, and I like it. I played it on electric in an attempt to capture the warm sound of the recording, but yeah whatever I played it and it was fun.

All right all right all right. I am now 10% complete with my goal. The next installment will have 80's pop front and center plus I'll cover some gritty legends.

Peace.

40 Years 40 Songs

I am turning 40 later this year. I didn't plan to make a big thing about it, because--you know--it's just a number, and I'm busy momming it up and don't need to make a big deal about MY stuff because there are constantly big deals to be made about their stuff.

But then we were talking about Chris' birthday (he's also turning 40, sooner in fact), and I had this sort of "pillow talk" epiphany. It was probably birthed out of years of neglecting my prior self and a desire to make the me then relevant to the me now. Also, I think we all need to make peace with aging. Celebrate it, even. Enter my 40 Years 40 Songs project.

The idea is for me to learn how to play one song released each year of my life, starting with 1978 (I'm calling that one song zero). I want to learn them well enough to be able to play them out somewhere if I so choose and then record them. Someday when I am dead my kids can listen to who I was. Thus far I have learned 4 or 5 songs to a decent level, but they need a bit more practice before recording. Once I do start recording them, I will share them here on the old super-neglected bloggity-blog.

I have already learned a few things on this new journey. 1) Callouses are just as painful to acquire the second time around (oh yeah I've played very little guitar in the last eight years). 2) Learning 40 songs is going to take a LOT of woman hours, and the kids are not always going to like it. On the other hand, 3) The kids are starting to get old enough to truly appreciate music in general and guitar in specific and even ME as a musician. I hear the eight-year-old singing the songs I am learning sometimes. She and the five-year-old talk about wanting to learn guitar. Even the three-year-old SOMETIMES wants me to play; she just wants me to play songs from her favorite kid movies. And she has been picking up the guitar to strum a bit herself since it's always laying around. I hope it may inspire them to work on not-for-pay personally enriching projects of their own someday.

So here's the line-up so far!

0. 1978 - One Way or Another - Blondie
1. 1979 - (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding - Elvis Costello
2. 1980 - Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
3. 1981 - Talk of the Town - The Pretenders
4. 1982 - Atlantic City or Mansion on the Hill - Bruce Springsteen
5. 1983 - 99 Luftballons - Nena
6. 1984 - Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins
7. 1985 - Time - Tom Waits
8. 1986 - There is a Light that Never Goes Out - The Smiths
9. 1987 - Wanted: Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi

I reserve the right to change these, but I have already started learning most of them. Stay tuned for future developments if you like. Or, if not, at least I will have this project good and documented for the children and stuff.

October 17th

My baby is now scheduled. And it's only three days away.

Quotable Quotes

"Me not a person. Me a boy!" -- Munchkin #2

"Me want cookie! Me want cookie!" -- Cookie Monster and Munchkin #2

"I didn't hit her. I pounded her all over!" -- Munchkin #1, at age 3?

"Only God can make a sphincter." -- A colorectal surgeon

Updates! I got your updates here!

If the 1-5 of you are curious, things are happening. Sort of big things. Not huge things like we discovered an ancient civilization, but things.

Like thing #1, which should maybe be labeled #3, is that another child/parasite is growing inside me. Yup, we have a little girl coming in October. I'm about six months along, and other than the pretty dang debilitating pneumonia I had for a couple weeks in early April, everything has gone very well. I think we are ready for our family to grow one more, though I will not be surprised if I have a short and intense crying fest to mourn the loss of our current family unit on the way to the hospital. Just because I really like those kids. The new one is nameless, which is fine, but I feel like we start this naming thing later every time. We might just have to go with the nurse's name in the hospital or something. Poor kid, we do very much want you. I think you might just complete us.

Thing #2 is I guess what the heck I do with my copious spare time (aka 9-11 pm). I had been basically googling for a living, but I eventually got canned for not thinking enough like all the other googlers. It's an okay gig if you can get it and stick to it. Not incredible pay, but somewhat steady if you are just trying to make up a small income deficit. I worked with a company called Leapforce. Anyhow I have now started something completely new that may or may not pay anything. I am attempting to write things. Like articles. For the internet. I just wrote an article about gardening tonight, because you see

Thing #3 is we have a garden in our back yard. It has required a lot from us up front, but less recently. The yield has been lackluster so far, but still there is something magical about washing your own dirt off your own lettuce. We have two very pretty sunflowers blooming right now and some tomatoes ripening, so that's something. But anyway I figured I'd try to recoup some of our investment by writing an article. I'm not even near to approaching trying to be an expert on the subject, but I have learned a lot and figured I may as well spew all of that out in written form, which ended up being a 20-point annotated checklist.

A kid update probably deserves its own post, but how about just one adorable picture?

how to play dead monsters

Run around shouting "AAAAAAAAAA" and then fall down. Repeat.

Another fun game to play is turn on some music and run around your mom in circles while chasing your sibling.

Love/Hate

It's been a while.

Whatever.

Watch the neck, sister

Okay, that's better

Portrait of the Songwriter as a (VERY) Young Woman

It appears that the hubs and I have indeed produced a little songstress. How do we know? She constantly sings made-up songs throughout the day. She has even "written" a few that she repeats. One of my favorites is when she goes to grab her tiny guitar that we got in Mexico a few years ago and she strums open strings and sings "When I was in the meadow, I heard a strange sound . . ." then she usually gives a few different animal sounds. I can't remember if I already wrote on here about another favorite that I am only allowed to sing on Fridays. The chorus goes "I love you! in a very sweet vo-o-o-oice." And the verse contains my favorite line of hers ever "I want you to go away like a rocketship." Lately most of her songs start "When I was a little girl" or "When I was young." Homegirl has a real sense of history at three-and-a-half years.

Today she told me she wants me to help her write all her songs down. Then she wants to buy lots of little guitars. Then she wants to give copies of her songs and the guitars to "all the little kids" so they can learn "how to make songs." She is the greatest.

Nightswimming

We went camping on Friday and much of it was awful. Mostly the getting there and getting started. I wanted us to get there earlier than the husband so we had time to chill and it was a less stressful experience. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So yeah I asked the universe for what followed. What I thought would be a 1 1/2 hr drive was a 3 1/2 hr drive. Just me and one crying toddler and one demanding three-year-old. Then I had to set up the tent and the fire by myself whilst keeping the children from jumping in the VERY nearby lake. And then cook dinner by myself whilst the toddler mostly cried some more. BUT, but, but . . . after the husband got there and we started to eat dinner and I decided to finally give in to the little toddler's cries and go swimming with him already (even though it was past his bedtime at this point), things got better.

I sank into the brown lake and washed all the disgusting sweat off me with the almost-as-disgusting silty, gasoliney (boats) water. Oh, it felt good. I swam around with the kiddos and all their giggling in the dusk. Spinning in the near-dark and me and the littlest taking turns zerberting each other. And finally, finally there was some calm.

And that is why we go camping with the lunatics we call our children.

I was too exhausted to take pics most of the trip, but here's some semi-recent pictures since I've had too many pictureless posts lately.

Our kids are frequently wet and dirty.

 

 

And to show that we all exist, here is the whole family in St. George, UT:

Mother's Little Helper

I just turned 35. I guess that’s okay with me, but it’s strange because it is the age I imagine my parents to be when I think of my childhood. And as a kid I had this sense of safety and trust in my parents that I didn’t need to question. Never in a million years would I have considered that my parents did not know what they were doing, but instead were just making it up as they went along. I could definitely admit they made mistakes (more so than my brothers as I was a pretty precocious little stinker), but never would I think that they needed HELP.

Now I’m 35, and sometimes I need help.

Let’s talk antidepressants. There’s been a lot of shame associated with them for many years. Even though mental health is seen as a more legitimate part of overall health than in the past, the stigma is still pretty entrenched. A lot of people think antidepressants are for people that can not handle life. That they signed up for the course, not fully understanding how hard it was, and they failed. And, that if they have to resort to such EXTREME steps they certainly can’t be trusted to handle anything else life has to throw at them. While it is true that stress often precedes depression, I think it is more accurate to call depression another challenge to handle; it's another form of stress rather than a coping-with-stress FAIL.

I’ve had the Rolling Stones song “Mother’s Little Helper” in my mind all week, especially the lines “she goes running for the shelter of her ‘mother’s little helper’ and it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day.” Why? Because I ran out of my Zoloft prescription and had a hell of a time without it, yet I kept not finding time to go get a refill. And, I guess I must have felt a little ashamed. My son is 16 months old. Surely, post partum depression is over by now. I should not have to rely on this chemical substance to get my head right, should I? Well, except there is such a thing as withdrawals—you’re not supposed to go cold turkey. Also, I am still nursing the little babe. Oh, how he loves to nurse. I’m kind of over it by now, but I just melt when he sticks out that bottom lip and points to what he wants. Anyway, nursing means my hormones are still not back to normal.

So, the battling thoughts. Well I did some quick research and the “little yellow pill” spoken of by Mick Jagger is valium. Not an antidepressant, but a sedative meant to dull senses. Maybe this is already obvious to everyone out there, but it helped me a bit to make the clear distinction. The kind of antidepressant I take is an SSRI –Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. It keeps serotonin from being reabsorbed in the brain, which helps brain cells send and receive messages and improves mood. According to “my” therapist (I only saw her once), if you don’t have an imbalance of serotonin, then the medication should do nothing. Therefore if it does help your mood, that’s how you know you HAD a serotonin imbalance. So it’s pretty simple. An antidepressant corrects an imbalance. Just like if you have a thyroid imbalance you’ll take something to correct that. What causes the imbalance in the first place is a whole other discussion.

So, back to me, since this is my blog. I have worried that my post partum depression may someday be called depression (minus the post partum). It worries me a bit, because that means it’s permanent. But, then, so is diabetes or many other types of treatable illnesses that people live with. It kind of stinks, but it will not make my life any less fantastic. If anything, it should motivate me to seize joy.

I’m a little hesitant about this next part, but . . . this is me, right now, without the SSRI (luckily this is infrequent): I feel tense always. Physically I feel as though my teeth and hands are clenched, though they are not. My precocious destructive three-year-old breaks something or hurts her brother and a demon is unleashed. I can almost watch myself shouting at her and pleading and begging with her to not set off that thing in me that comes out of my mouth and my bones and gnashes its teeth and stomps on everything. Yes I'm just talking about shouting, but it's shouting that doesn't feel okay. I try to tell myself to take it easy. It’s a very good thing I have made a commitment to never spank my kids or touch them in any negative way. Yes, that kid needs discipline. Frequently. But she needs that from an adult who has some self control.

I know this might sound weird to some because my depression manifests as anger, but whatever you want to call it (Post-partum Anger is a thing), more serotonin is definitely my friend.

Me, now, with the drugs: Despite my fears and worries prior to starting antidepressants, I feel more like myself WITH the stuff. I have a much, much, much, much longer fuse and a better functioning brain. I can discipline with calm. I don’t feel any rage boiling under the surface. I can relax. Physically I feel . . . just normal.

This is no mother’s "little" helper. This is what saves me and makes me an okay mom, even a good one maybe? This makes PPD something I can master. This also makes it possible for me to think about having another child. I love my kids so, so, so much and I don’t feel quite done. I do still hope that when I finally get the babe weaned I will be able to ditch the drugs completely, partially just because my memory is poor, but whatever the case I am not going to give up and say I can't handle life.

I’m 35 now and sometimes I need help. I’m pretty sure that’s okay.

latest

I just don't even know how to begin to think about knowing how I will write about this topic.

Ha ha. Okay no one is terminally ill.

We're just moving. And not even that far. Twenty miles?

I just have such mixed feelings about it.

So, instead I'll write about things I don't want to forget:

That husband reads Frog and Toad to Big Sis in a Scottish accent. Every time. Weirdo. (I like him.)

That Baby Boy does anything for clapping. It's a family of hams.

That Big Sis makes up songs constantly. And they are usually about loving her family. Aw. Recently she even sang to her brother in the car until he fell asleep.

Baby Boy's sharp nods to answer most questions. And that "aren't I so cute?" cocking his head to the side thing.

How Big Sis makes up games on the fly to go with whatever action Baby Boy happens to be doing. (e.g., "We're playing Blah-go-scat. It's when you tear paper and throw it.")

How Big Sis talks like a grown up (a dorky one -- namely me) with her "Well actually" and "For starters" and whatever else I hardly notice since it seems normal to me until I take a step back.

Baby Boy's kisses. He's gotten quite good at it. He will close his lips now and pucker them and then grab onto your head and move it into position for you. It is darling.

Cuddles. With everybody. Big Sis likes to nuzzle noses, like Corduroy the bear. Today Baby Boy sat on my lap on the swing for just ever and ever. Someday these kids might get to old for cuddles. Hopefully the husband and I never are.

Oh, I have to add Baby Boy and music. He always nods his head to the beat. This morning I let him play our keyboard for a while and he does the cutest wiggle and nod. I really need to video it for maximum cuteness.

So much to say so much to say so much to say so much to say

little babay.

Remember when hating on Dave Matthews Band was the thing to do?

Remember before that when Dave Matthews Band was like the gateway drug to Phish and also to actual drugs?

And before that when you thought Under the Table and Dreaming was cut from the same cloth as your very own soul?

And how you spent a lot of time trying to teach your fingers to play "Satellite" on your guitar that has since died/been sold/been stolen by gypsies/been placed in permanent storage/been stepped on?

Okay, enough reminiscing.

But speaking of little babays, for item #1: mine is a whole year old now!

I think it was a few days after he turned one that he really started to SEEM one to me. Mainly because of his increased interest in what his sister is doing. And even though he's not a big talker yet, the way he gestures and babbles make it seem like at least HE knows what he is saying now. Also he's starting to get these little wisps of longish hair. Oh. so. cute.

I love him a lot. Yeah, no duh.

Item #2: I keep thinking that maybe I need to review all these children's books we get from the library. There are some really fantastic children's books out there with some mind-bogglingly awesome illustrations. And some of them even have very cool concepts and inventive language. I have also had great fun introducing my daughter to children's poetry of late.

I wish I could go back and look at all the books we have checked out in the last two years or so. In the meantime, maybe I can just remember and list some of the stand-outs that big sis really loved:

The Runaway Bunny
Jump!
Snip Snap!: What's That?
Fortunately
We're Going on a Bear Hunt
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
A Sick Day for Amos McGee
The Lion and the Mouse
Tough Chicks

We also own a lot of books that she loves too, but I'm just not feeling a marathon post as much as I thought I was.

Item #3 is where I run out of steam altogether. But I do want to give a shout out, because I have read a lot of parenting books and this one is MAYBE my favorite so far (although there are a couple of infant care ones that were really handy during the first go-round): Screamfree Parenting.

I hesitated to read this one because it seems kind of faddish. There's apparently a heckuva lot of marketing and branding associated with this book (like I could probably buy a couple online courses, a t-shirt, five other books with similar titles, etc.) and all the tie-ins made me a wee bit suspicious and skeptical. For now, though, I think it's like Jillian Michaels legit. You know, it's for real as long as you actually do something about it.

It's too early and maybe overstating things a bit to say it changed my life but it really has altered my perspective. It doesn't hurt that it was short and easy to read. The main idea is pretty simple: focus on the thing you can control -- yourself. Also, you are not responsible FOR your child (as in every behavior and choice made by the child does not automatically reflect on the parent) but you are responsible TO your child (to SHOW them how to behave and make choices). Though simple, I have found this idea to be very important and even more important the somewhat counter-intuitive idea of focusing on myself when disciplining my child (i.e., instead of considering what will get her to behave or change I consider how I can best 1) restrain myself from getting heated and 2) give the most appropriate and natural consequence for the behavior). It's going to take a lot of practice but I think I am slowly moving toward the parent I want to be, which is of course Claire Huxtable.

Mommy I Feel My Heart

I am not always 100% sold on this stay-at-home-mom thing. Also this constantly-looking-for-freelance-work thing. But, for the first, there are those days where the kiddos and I go traipsing through the woods near our house on an adventure. Or that time about a month ago, when Big Sis stopped mid-play, turned to look at me with the widest eyes and a faint smile and said "Mommy, I feel my heart." To witness the first moment another human notices their own heart beating, and particularly when that human is a child that you love, is kind of awesome. Then she just ran back to playing and I was like "Oh yeah, this gig is not too shabby." And by-the-by I'm alive too, which is cool.

Purple Corduroy Jumper

Thirty dang years, you guys. That's the kind of time separation we're talking about. Also, I think this settles it that Big Sis looks more like LCD (except for the hair).

This is approximately 1983:

And of course 2013:

Probably the most surprising thing here is that Big Sis is holding the tag to that dress in her hand. We found her dress in the hand-me-down section of her closet and somehow it has never been worn? Firstly, it can't be less than twenty-five years old, can it? Secondly, how do you just ignore a dress with that incredible paisley/corduroy/duck combination? What genius came up with that anyway? We will be remedying the years of neglect as soon as it is practical. LCD better not try and overrule this.

Failures and Successes

I'm redoing some of my resolutions this year because they were huge, embarrassing failures last year. (Does "embarrassing" really need to have two double letters in it? It throws me every time. Gah--spelling.) I like resolutions, though, so the fact that I failed does not really discourage me that much. It is such as it is. It was a bad year to (1) be a calmer mom. I had a two-year-old and a newborn. So I'm calling do-over on that one. Also because it matters. I even got a book called Buddhism for Mothers, which I have already read the first chapter of, so this is REAL.

Also re-doing? (2) Increase my spirituality.

But just for a minute let's celebrate the fact that I had a better birth experience AND I  rocked meal planning. I think it is safe to say I am now a step above "adequate" as a cook.

Other than the re-dos, I plan to (3) enjoy my life more this year. My life is pretty darn good, though sometimes trying, and I think I too often drag myself through it. Or at least I did last year. Despite the fact that I birthed a ridiculously sweet baby boy--he is my little love--I just survived a lot of the time. I think I have enough distance now to blame that partly on postpartum depression round two (this time with lots more anger and lots less despair). Update 1/13: I found a quote that really speaks to me in this category while staying home from church for the THIRD time in the last month because someone was puking:

“EACH LAST DAY or EACH LAST WEEK should be the BEST that we have ever experienced, that is, we should advance ourselves a little every day, in knowledge and wisdom, and in the ability to accomplish good.” (Lorenzo Snow)

This is not a resolution, but I also need to earn some green this year. Like a lot more than last year. Sponsor?

Big Sis at the Keyboard

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 /il’

 ‘kl;kl;lk;jlk ;il;jk;hgoxhfgtthrkfglfhktgkh lgkmgnjgjihgihiyuihihyjhgthgjigi jhg jughjuhjghg j hjgjigtfjkgfkg kkkkkkkjg  njh hjgf jdfkgfkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkgug hghk kh hg ;gljydtlhl jhylh jl hk hlh lkmkljj;’b;l;hghghhglhg l;h;lhl;klhlhhloljlplhopghnnnnnBvm

 h/’;hj pik lklaadeeeeeeaadejadelebvkiobgjklgfmkgdskfeka tiouyu8i5485oiyikogsdkfddklskfcfkfrw isdio dkldefjkldjkldcjk fdmkldfjfdjfk klrr gkgrergzrgjgrwrkwxzr

(If you look closely, you'll see an actual word.)

I deserved it

 I thought I did a pretty good job on the cake. But then I did get it out and leave it on the table while we were waiting for the party guests to arrive (four of them). So I guess I can't be that surprised that this happened:

And this:

And this:

Happy Birthday, little stinker.

I am proud to be your mommy.

P.s., Here you can see the three layers that big sis requested:

Stonerstan!

Big Sis made up a word.

What does it mean?

"You say it when you fall down on your bum."

Then she demonstrates by running, taking a "fall," and shouting, "stonerstan!"

Every time she says it I picture somebody like this Simpson's character:

(This is Disco Stu. Even though the bus driver, Otto, is clearly a stoner, this guy seems like more of a "Stan" to me.)

Anyway, I just googled "Stoner Stan" and it turns out there's a meme for that. Ugh, there's a meme for everything.

Sometimes I hate the internet.

Thankful 2012

For my family (local and extended)

For my home

For my love (almost five years what?)

For my foremothers (both specifically and generally)

For grace and tender mercies

For a new baby and his five new cousins in the same year! (Hang in there til December, girls.)

For sweet hugs and hands and I-love-yous

For muddling through

For friends

For love stories

For courage

For examples

Election Reminiscing

1980: I was two.

1984: I think I knew the name of the President.

1988: Some people already know this--I may have even blogged about it --but when I was in fifth grade I played Michael Dukakis in our elementary school's mock election. This was when we lived in the Houston, TX area. Even I did not vote for myself. I think Dukakis got like two votes in my school. Surprisingly, I did not take this personally at all. I remember asking my dad to help me write the speech since I just did not understand how a person could be a Democrat. As far as I knew then, a Democrat = someone that wants babies to die. I ended up being proud of myself that I was able to deliver a pretty decent speech even though I could never be a Democrat. I was relieved when I learned George Bush won in the REAL election too.

1992: I lived in Kansas and was once again surrounded by Republicans. At that point I did have more of an understanding of what the parties actually represented, but I was still pretty in favor of George Bush, Sr. Based on the nightly news I was pretty sure we rocked that Iraq war in 91, so . . . I remember watching Saturday Night Live that year and when they covered the primaries they called it something like "The race to avoid being the one that loses to Bush." The tide turned pretty quickly. I remember the very few "Democrat" kids in our high school that came in wearing Clinton shirts the morning after and I felt so humiliated and somehow wronged.

1996: The first time I voted and I had only been eligible for a few months! Sometime in between 1992 and 1996, I had become not really all that Republican, despite that everyone else in my family was. But I did very much believe in having a moral president who doesn't cheat on his wife. So I gritted my teeth and voted Bob DULL. Then when Clinton won, I realized I was not that disappointed. After all, he gave great SOTU speeches. Also, he felt my pain. AND He and Newt and the gang balanced the dang budget!!!

2000: This was my protest vote year. Looking back I don't really like Ralph Nader that much. He comes across as kind of a jerk, to be honest. But, I was just starting graduate school, and I was disillusioned by all the stuff I had been fed through my schooling career and had become pretty jaded. All the glorious ideals of democracy and really it's all about money. I didn't want to support either major party since I felt they catered to whoever paid them. So I went Green party. I was quite sure that my state was already won by the guy I liked the least, so I went to try and get the 5% of the vote required for matching funds for the party. I still like the idea of the Greens, but I think we're stuck in this two-party system for now. Maybe doing away with the electoral college would break the fever, but I don't know. After the election happened I was absolutely glued to the TV watching the coverage of the hanging chads and such. And it was then that I realized I much preferred Gore and my vote would have been a serious waste in a battleground state. Later when all the Gore supporters were super angry with the Green party voters, I did feel a little remorse but thanks to the electoral college my vote didn't actually count so . . . okay mostly I just kept my mouth shut. You guys aren't still mad are you?

2004: This is the most gung-ho of all my years as a voter for the presidency. Not that I loved John Kerry that much, but I felt like George W. Bush was tanking the country. It felt like we used to stand for something and people used to like us, but now it was all about wasting loads of money on unnecessary war. Anyway, I don't want this retelling to get that political, just be more experiential. The day after the election I had a job interview. I don't remember what for but it was in Georgetown and I think at a non-profit of some kind. I parked my car and stumbled out as though I were walking in a fog. A thick malaise covered that interview and neither of our hearts were in it. I left knowing I did not land that one, and not really caring. I felt this knot in my stomach all day and when I heard the concession speech as I was driving around (aimlessly?) I just bawled in my car. I remember feeling so much better when I found this website where people that had voted for Kerry were sending the message "I'm Sorry. We tried," to the world.

2005: Just had to note that this was the first time I remember someone I voted for winning. It was Tim Kaine for governor of Virginia. I still like that guy.

2008: I really didn't want Obama to run. I felt like it was too soon in his career. But I did quite like the guy, or rather his speechwriters. They rock. Anyway, though I had suspected it before, I have to admit that I was an unaffiliated Democrat at this point. I remember waiting at the poll before work, just chatting with all the people in my neighborhood. I was newly married but no kids, and I really enjoyed the excitement in the air and the comraderie I felt with my community. That night we were glued to the TV (for pretty much the first time since 2000 for me) and I was really excited, happy, and proud of my country once the results came in. Finally everyone gets that "there is not a liberal America and a conservative America -- there is the United States of America." Or so I thought.

2012: Okay I will get a little political. The last four years have been disappointing. I am suspicious of some of the President's decisions, but I am especially disillusioned by his failure to reach across the aisle. But, after weighing everything a million times, I just agree with his ideas more. And I hope [[[HOPE]]]] that he has much more to do and now will go do it. Tuesday I went to the polls with my two little kids and that will be the image that sticks with me this time. Filling in those dang holes on the sheet of paper while simultaneously bouncing the infant to stop him from crying and keeping one hand on the almost-three-year-old to stop her from playing hide-and-seek in the voting booths (and oh yes that's exactly what she wanted to do).

I just re-listened to then Senate-hopeful Barack Obama's speech in 2004. I think some of the hopefulness has been derailed by the economic recession, but I don't maybe there's still something to it. Maybe?

If there is a child on the south side of Chicago who can’t read, that matters to me, even if it’s not my child. If there is a senior citizen somewhere who can’t pay for their prescription drugs, and having to choose between medicine and the rent, that makes my life poorer, even if it’s not my grandparent. If there’s an Arab American family being rounded up without benefit of an attorney or due process, that threatens my civil liberties.

It is that fundamental belief -- It is that fundamental belief: I am my brother’s keeper. I am my sister’s keeper that makes this country work. It’s what allows us to pursue our individual dreams and yet still come together as one American family.

E pluribus unum: "Out of many, one."