ROCKTASTICA

The Instigator

2012-01-30T14:36:00.007-05:00

Definitely still his best album.

But, speaking of instigators, I'm starting to get a glimpse into Little A's future. A few days ago at playgroup, she goaded two other two-year-olds into playing in the mud with her. By the way, we were not dressed for it. I thought playgroup would be inside since it rained that morning, but it got moved. Since I know my child, I thought things might get messy, but I did not want to deprive her of the chance to play and interact with others. And so, after repeatedly trying to get her to stay out of puddles, I relented when she was on the other side of the playground from me and I was sitting comfortably. She kept telling the other two (both boys, I might add) "Come on!" At first they hesitated, but eventually they were all jumping and covered in muddy water. Oh well, the joys of childhood, right?

One of the other moms commented, "I can just see Little A being the ringleader of her friends when she's older."

"Oh no," I suddenly had a thought. "I hope she doesn't convince them to do anything illegal." Bad Influence!

Baby Ninja

2012-01-24T00:07:00.004-05:00

Baby brother gave us a scare today. At my appointment this morning, I was measuring six weeks behind! Six flippin' weeks! For the uninitiated, that "measurement" is based on fundal height, aka how tall is ye olde uterus these days by tape measure? So they sent me in for an ultrasound almost right away and in the meantime I had two hours to google every thing that might be wrong (fun). Turns out he's just a little hiding ninja and is measuring totally normal via ultrasound. From now on when people tell me "you're so small!" I will say one of four things:

-Yes, he's adept at blending in to his surroundings, like a ninja. Or Rambo.
-I know, how efficient is my awesome body, right?
-It's probably my rock solid abs.
-Shove it.

Latest Home Improvement Project: Mold Removal

2012-01-16T22:16:00.004-05:00

I know you're already excited based on the title. I could probably write a thrilling blog called Life in a 1970's Townhouse and this would be one of the star posts, if there could be such a thing on such a blog in such a universe as this one.

Anyway, it's taken up a lot of our life lately, so . . . ready or not, here it is, you can't hide. The top five things I learned from our recent dismantling, cleaning, and remantling of half of the basement.

1. Based on LCD's hands, working with waterproofing cement on a cinderblock surface can lead to leprosy.

2. Studs, at least the ones in the walls of our basement, are much less formidable than I previously imagined. They are just a thin strip of metal and they are only bolted into place at the top so once we had all the dry wall and wall insulation down they just kind of hung there and moved around quite easily.

3. If you're hacking away at a piece of drywall and the nearby lights suddenly get a lot brighter and flicker, it does not necessarily mean you are electrocuted or that you just hit a wire. In fact, we're still not totally sure what that meant.

4. Masks of any kind covering my mouth and nose still really, really bug me. I'm a total claustrophobe about it. I still wore one anyway to protect the 7 month old fetus from spores, but if we ever have a serious disease epidemic where everyone walks around with masks on, I may be the one that hyperventilates to death. Here's hoping I don't need an oxygen mask when I deliver baby #2.

5. This has nothing to do with home improvement, but I don't think it needs it's own post, so I'm hiding it here. It's a question, actually, and the question is Why won't Zooey Deschanel leave me alone? She's all indie-pop Christmas albuming, then she's all over the dang Winnie the Pooh soundtrack that I get to hear all the time. And, okay, I can handle those things, and she's not actually bad at them. And just like everyone who's ever been single and in a dead-end relationship, I liked 500 Days of Summer. But why oh why does her terrible new sitcom have to show up on hulu after I watch a show that's somewhat entertaining, and why can't I stop from watching that awfulness? I'm thinking of giving in and becoming a Zooey superfan just like I did with Shia LeBouf a few years ago. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

*Half of this post was composed with a two-year-old jumping on me, so just keep that in mind.
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Beginner Sewing

2012-01-10T08:56:00.003-05:00

I got a sewing machine for Christmas. The last time I sewed anything was 8th grade and it was not pretty. I'm hoping to make a baby sling for the new baby since I think it will be quicker to use than any of the other baby-wearing options I have already and, well, Little A IS a bit insane so I'm pretty sure I will still need to bolt after her on occasion. They are supposed to be really easy to make but I still doubt myself. I've read a lot and just ordered some fabric and a ring to put the fabric through. Other than that I want to learn how to hem pants. Pretty basic, I know, but you should have seen the stuffed elephant I tried to make at age 13. Anyway, I'm telling the three people that read my blog so I'll feel responsible or something.

Resolved

2012-01-01T19:17:00.005-05:00

. . . that the U.S. should reduce worldwide pollution through something, something blah blah blah." That's the best I can remember our theme when I was on debate team in high school a million years ago. It just came back to my mind. Yeah, I was a little nerdy. But I kind of wish I had fully embraced the nerdiness instead of being so unsure of who I was, but I guess that's what being a teenager is about.

Anecdote aside, this post is really about my resolutions this year. I like new beginnings and resolutions and despite that it is cooler to be cynical, I am not particularly cynical about them--nerdiness shining through, I guess.

So internets this year, I want to:

1) Be a more "zen" mom -- I don't mean discipline-free by any means, just no shouting, less getting exasperated, more accepting of myself and the crazy ball of energy that is my wonderful kid (and the fact that we aren't the same as some other mom/child).

2) Focus more on my spirituality.

3) Have a better birth and post-partum experience with #2 (since there's only so much I can do, I should probably just say "handle it better whatever happens," but I'm hopeful for more than that).

Okay, I think that's enough. Only three things, but they are all a really big deal to me, so I think it's plenty.

Happy 2012 to everyone.

Summer's coming soon

2011-12-22T07:23:00.002-05:00

I scheduled this post exactly two months ago on a random day that I remembered this song, listened to it, and bawled my eyes out thinking of a certain December.

Then, today, I realized we haven't had much (any?) snow yet and it hasn't been super cold so it's not as appropriate a song choice. But still, it is dang dark out there. Happy solstice to all! It's summer before you know it.

P.s., the video is just from some person of the internet, but the song is by Fountains of Wayne.

Pain

2011-12-18T20:56:00.005-05:00

In church today someone gave a great talk about the atonement of Christ and how he took upon him all of our pains, sicknesses, shortcomings, sins, etc we experience. As a metaphor the guy kept using this story of how he had this terrible back pain and how it was healed via a steroid shot in his back (which was also scary and painful, but not as painful or long-term as the back pain).

The last couple weeks I have finally started to feel truly pregnant (obvious bump, baby moving enough to sometimes be seen from the outside, and various aches and pains). This last week in particular, back pain has become my new constant companion. Today is definitely the worst back pain I have ever experienced. Standing up? Yowza. Turning? Ouch. Picking up the toddler and putting her back down? Help me, dear Lord. I tried heat and exercises and I still feel like crap. So there I was, sitting in church, really getting in touch with my back pain and its purpose as the speaker talked about some really smart guy that said something like all pain is purposeful or beautiful or whatever.

And the pain I have, sucky though it is, is nothing like the pain others I have known are going through or have gone through. Truth be told, it's not nearly as bad as the pain of a fourth degree tear I myself have experienced, though it's similar in its persistence. But, while I'm cursing this guy in my mind for choosing such a perfect metaphor, I'm wondering if there is something to that whole getting through pain by experiencing the heck out of it thing. Just examining it, following its pathway through the body, describing it to yourself--making it realer than real so you can then let go of it. Maybe this is a question for Nurse Dave. In the meantime, I am off to google some more remedies.

D-E-E-E-E-E-L

2011-12-15T09:31:00.001-05:00

"That spells daddy!"

Ha ha. Just didn't want to forget Little A's earliest "spelling" attempts.

My big girl

2011-12-05T06:00:00.003-05:00

The other night, when she had only been using her "big girl bed" for a few days I woke up to Little A's hysterical crying (LCD snoozed through it like the professional sleeper he is) and came in to see what happened. I found her on the floor, looking disoriented and scared. She was shaking as she sobbed.

"M-m-m-mommy. Is it book time?"

"No, sweetheart, it's night-night time," I gathered her up in my arms and she snuggled up to me.

"Should we open the curtains?"

"No. Right now it's time for sleeping."

"Should we turn the yight on?" (y=l)

"Not right now."

"Should we sing the sunshine song?" This is the question that made me melt.

"Of course. Let's sing the sunshine song." I held her tight and sang "You Are My Sunshine" with a couple made-up verses thrown in and she slowly got calmer and calmer.

Then she said, "Should [Little A] sing the sunshine song?"

"Yes," I said and waited for her to do what she was going to do (I didn't know). When she didn't start I sang "You are my . . ." and THEN she started singing and sang every word including "You never know dear, how much I yove you."

It broke my heart.

I love that little girl so much. She IS my sunshine. I'm no perfect mom. Wasn't from the beginning and I'm still not. I get exasperated by her energy. I get so impatient when she goes nuts on one of her favorite books and tears it up. When, on the 4,982nd diaper change of her life she screams and shouts "no, mommy!" and wiggles and wipes poo on the wall, and it's not like we haven't been through this before and I haven't told you why it's important to change your diaper. When all the other kids in the class/at the store/at church seem to stay right next to their parent and listen quietly, but she thinks every moment of life is a chance to scream and run. Of course my getting exasperated doesn't do squat. So my new mom resolution is no yelling at her. I've done it a few more times than I would like in my desperate moments and it gets me nowhere and I am quite ashamed, to be honest.

She IS my sunshine. Though it can be tiresome for me, how beautiful is it that she thinks just about every moment of life is a chance to scream and run? A chance to shout and sing. A chance to grab me around the legs and shout "I yove you, mommy!" A chance to go to the next great adventure, all the while beckoning "Come on, mommy!" (as if to say you don't want to miss this). A chance to win over a new friend with smiles and peek-a-boos and sudden hugging with no warning (we're working on asking "do you want a hug?" still).

The other day we spent a good five minutes making silly, shocked faces at each other and cracking up after singing "when the bough breaks, the cradle will . . .Aaagh!"

My precious and precocious kiddo, I never could have dreamed such a wonderful whole child such as you are. Our family has been so blessed by your absolute radiance. Happy 2nd birthday, my love.

This year's anniversary

2011-12-01T15:07:00.007-05:00

We went to see a play at the Shakespeare Theatre on Saturday. It was delightfully rendered and a fun escape, but da-ang if the travel time doesn't seem like a bigger deal when you're paying a babysitter. And today (the actual day) I'm cleaning the house. And I got him some flowers. And I picked a random picture of us to frame from the trip we took to Italy 2 1/2 yrs ago (see above). And we're going out to dinner WITH the child (see earlier reference to babysitting expense).

I'll share a secret with you guys: this is how my face looks in the first trimester with a girl:

Another secret: there are several photos that I look worse in than that one, but I am too vain to share. Luckily, it was not nearly so bad this time with the boy. Anyway, I definitely had to retouch (*cough* de-zit) the pic up top to make it look like I was not suffering from any plagues at the time. I mean, why spoil the memories?

I continue to be happily married and I wish that on everyone (if you want it, that is). A better partner for me, I could not possibly devise.

Quotables to remember

2011-11-29T20:14:00.004-05:00

Little A says way too many awesome things right now that I kind of want to never change, but I know they will. Soon. Too bad I can't remember them all RIGHT NOW so I could write them all down. But here's a few:

"I'm gonna carry you d'round." She's really starting to rock the pretend play and this is one thing she will say to her animals a lot.

"You love me, mommy?" The cutest. She is also saying "I love you" all the time with no prompting lately.

"The dele." She is always calling herself this. She has the first syllable of her name confused with the article "a," so I guess she figures you must also be able to use "the." It is hilarious.

"Green Bear and Little Bear--they're all our friends!" She said this on Thanksgiving morning when I first came into her room.

"What should I watch?" As in what video--apparently choosing is getting to be a bit much for her sometimes.

"Would you say doo dee da?" This is just an example. "Doo dee da" could be replaced with any word or phrase, real or made up.

Currently she loves to talk about her "big girl bed," though that does not always translate to sleeping it. Overall, she is not doing too bad with the transition.

Thanks

2011-11-25T16:24:00.002-05:00

Have I said this before? One of my favorite things is when I am cleaning up after dinner and it's LCD's turn to give the munchkin a bath. I listen to all the weird, silly things he comes up with to tell her or to play with her and I listen to her giggles and excitement and "love you, Daddy"s as I work. And that is when I realize I live a charmed life. So what if the dinner I made was mediocre at best? So what if Little A has been hell-bent to destroy every last thing in our house lately? So what if my income is on hold (well kind of so what)? So what if I have hip pain and just rounded week two and am moving into week three of a cold? So what if the turkey didn't get cooked in time for our meal yesterday?

I have a couple of strange and wonderful people that fill up my life with so much love, that give me hugs and kisses and make me laugh. I have interesting, supportive, and GOOD extended family. I have some loyal friends and some newer ones, all of whom give me a piece of something I need in my life. And we have leftover turkey that we haven't even tasted yet.

Is it bad to let your toddler sleep on the floor?

2011-11-23T23:38:00.005-05:00

After the intrepid explorer learned how to escape the crib yesterday, we put her in a "big girl bed" tonight. But of course she didn't stay in it. She instead knocked on her door (luckily her door is one of the harder-to-open ones in the house so she can't get out yet with it closed) for about fifteen minutes and was then silent. I went to check on her an hour later and barely cracked the door before I ran in to her body lying on the floor. I've learned over the months not to move her if she's sleeping, so I just closed the door and let it be. I feel a smidgen of guilt about this, but I think it might just be a rite of passage.

Edited to add: Okay we couldn't do it all night. I kept asking LCD . . .

Should we move her?
No.
Should we move her?
No.
But, are you sure we shouldn't move her?
No . . . yes let's move her.

All in all, she slept beautifully all night. So this morning I am definitely giving thanks!

SW Challenge 8 entries are up for voting

2011-11-17T11:05:00.002-05:00

I almost got to the point where I was too ashamed to post them since I'd been sitting on them so long. But the songwriting challenge is about having no shame. I found an easier way to upload and listen to them too, so check it out, yeah.

Hi baby brother!

2011-11-12T08:19:00.003-05:00

I am pretty bad at telling what is going on in an ultrasound picture, but this one -- also Little A's favorite -- is pretty clearly a ghostly baby hand waving. I like it because it's the synthesis of creepy and cute. Little A likes to wave back and say "Hi baby brother!"

Otherwise, November is fantastic

2011-11-10T14:51:00.003-05:00

Lest someone get the wrong impression from recent posts. I've had a couple ego blows recently but Little A and I have been digging all the sunshine November has shown us (until today). We've spent many hours playing and basking in its glory and I have loved being her mom lately. Yesterday we went on a little hike, took pictures in the fall leaves, played on a playground, played with leaves and sticks (stick-gathering is her favorite past time right now), and later built a fort in the living room (with lots of help from LCD when he got home).

This was also on facebook but I'm too lazy to upload the others:

I'm pretty sure she's the cutest toddler on the planet.

Sometimes you just feel incompetent . . .

2011-11-04T15:49:00.002-04:00

which according to a personality test I once took for work is the WORST feeling for me. (On the flipside, it's probably really good for me, too.)

It helps, though, to have your almost two-year-old say, "You okay, Mommy?" and then offer you some of her beloved macaroni-and-cheese at lunch to make you feel better.

former love life has been replaced by work life

2011-11-03T12:58:00.003-04:00

So I haven't been single in a while, which is fine with me. You know, beautiful growing family makes up for the missed fun.

But apparently not completely. The uncertainty and the roller coaster ride of it needed a replacement, I guess. I would think parenting would be sufficient for that role, but I admit the range of emotions of a toddler starts to become the routine after a while.

Enter freelancing. Short-term contracts, negotiating rates, just-when-everything-is-looking-peachy curveballs. Yup that works.

Just got another curveball today and it's making me highly nervous. O ye single life, you are always with me.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T21:08:00.003-04:00

Already enjoying the spoils of a fruitful trick or treating experience.

On an unrelated note, several times when we have told someone that Little A is going to be a big sister they have said, "Oh, you already know it's a girl?"

Um . . .

Tomorrow we find out if all those people were accidentally right.

Please don't put your life in the hands of a rock and roll band

2011-10-29T16:21:00.002-04:00

This is what came right off the top of my head when I was trying to explain to LCD who Noel Gallagher was. Edit: is. I should say is, huh?

The nineties, you guys. It was a simple time.

What's that?

2011-10-21T15:27:00.003-04:00

Little A's new favorite phrase. She says it all day long, whether she already knows the thing she is pointing to or not. I like to vary my answers. "I don't know, what is it?" when I am sure she knows what it is. "Is it a X?" when I think she probably knows/knew but forgot. She always responds to that one with "Yes! It is a X, mommy!" (It's hard to explain Little A's voice if you haven't heard it lately, but she is VERY expressive.) And if it's something totally new I tell her. We have definitely entered the inquisitive age, and I gotta say I like it.

We even went to the library the other day and though she acted just a little bit crazier than any other child there, she did not pull down every book off the shelf! And after about twenty minutes of running around, talking to everyone, playing with the stuffed animals they have, and "reading" through books in 2.5 seconds, she sat down and read two whole Curious George books with me (complete with many instances of "what's that?") and we even checked some out and took them home with us. It's okay, Abz, I think I'm even going to return them on time.

Hurray for learning.

Budgeting 101

2011-10-19T08:15:00.007-04:00

This is going to be the most obvious thing in the universe, but I just feel like responding on MY BLOG to the crap I always see posted on facebook (I just don't like getting political on fb). Today, for example, I saw this:

I get their point and it's all well and good. Current budget cuts are inadequate to solve the debt problem. I completely agree, but would go further to say budget cuts of any kind are going to be inadequate to solve the debt problem.

You see, we had this issue in my house, too. Once I quit working full-time and we looked at our budget we saw that we too would go into debt if we did not do anything about it. So, should we slash our auto repair fund? Should we stop saving any money for retirement? Should we make all of Little A's toys out of materials we gather outside? Let her run around diaperless like the kids from the African village in that documentary Babies? Should we never go visit family? Etc. etc.

Well, we decided that though we could reduce the amounts in all of these categories and others, we could not get rid of them completely because they were TOO important. So our only option was to increase revenue. And since LCD was already working his bum off to make ends meet, the responsibility to make the difference fell to me.

Would I like to be able to nap while Little A naps and would LCD like for me to give a thorough vacuuming to the house every day? Sure. But sometimes solvency now and in the future requires that we make more money instead of just cutting expenditures. It's a balance.

Are budget cuts inadequate to solve the national debt? Yes, but so is income/revenue. If the meager underprivileged in society need to give up some of their services then the privileged wealthy are going to need to give up some money. Fair is fair. THE END.

Toddler at Mommy's Dr. Appt.

2011-10-12T14:32:00.003-04:00

Had a checkup at the dr. today and brought Little A. She mostly wreaked havoc, grabbing and pulling down everything in sight and shouting "Mommy, get down!" (I was told that all the kids say this) when I had to sit on the table. Finally she calmed down when the dr. let her wear the stethoscope and seemed to be somewhat intrigued when she got to sit on my chest and help the dr. hold the doppler microphone on my lower belly to hear little brother/sister--a precious moment to make up for all the screaming and havoc-wreaking. Then the dr. had her wipe the jelly off Mommy's belly, after which she lifted up her own shirt and said, "Want jelly on there!"

Pregnancy #1 appointment: Time to savor and quietly listen to my precious baby's heartbeat.

Pregnancy #2 appointment: Damage control with the toddler, and oh yeah was that a heartbeat? Cool.

child labor

2011-10-11T09:54:00.002-04:00

Could migrant farm worker be in Little A's career path? Maybe so.

Yesterday we went apple picking and of course all the low apples were picked over already from earlier visitors to the farm. But, we had our secret weapon with us. LCD would lift Little A up just about as high as he could reach and we would coach her "No, not that one. A little higher. Okay over a little. Yes! That one! Now reach with both hands and hold on tight. Pull! Pull!" And she delivered every time. The child is fantastic at that "game." Luckily, she loved it. So does it count as child labor when they are having a great time?

Since she was so eager to eat one, we washed one off on the spot and let her chomp on her victory (don't worry--we still paid for the half-eaten apple). So, at least she received her wages, right?

Forget the fancy machinery, just get a (n almost) two-year-old!

Does something have to be done?

2011-10-04T09:02:00.001-04:00

At best I tolerate cooking. At worst I loathe it. Okay, sometimes I like baking.

Anyway it is a major stress for me most of the time to figure out what to make for dinner. I make dinner for the family Monday through Friday and half of Sundays. It's fair because I am the one here to get started on it so it's ready at a decent hour. It's the thinking of what to make that may be the worst. I look a ton of stuff up and realize we don't have the ingredients for any of it. We have plenty of food in the house as is well-demonstrated by the husband when it is his turn and he whips up something new and exciting with whatever we have on hand. But I don't think of these things. I have a mental block for cooking.

Hasn't it gotten easier yet? Well maybe. I know how to make more things and I am more competent when I do it. But then I get tired of those things. Or maybe I have six weeks of nausea during which it is especially un-fun (thank the heavens it was only six weeks) after which I can't seem to climb back out of that rut. I know the days when LCD comes home early and cooks I feel to shout hallelujah.

So I should probably get into meal planning or something right? Only, I have little to no interest in it. Maybe if it would relieve my stress it would be worth it, though. I do care about my family eating healthy food and a good variety. And I do think it's totally fair that I should do the majority of the cooking. I guarantee you I don't do that much cleaning so I oughta do something.

I know I sound like the perfect candidate for being a working mom while LCD is a stay-at-home dad, but in reality I love being home with the munchkin. The part where I play with her and teach her things and explore the world with her is almost universally awesome. Maybe I should just focus on getting rich so we can pay someone else to cook and clean? There are so many possibilities . . .

I just can't figure out if this problem really needs solving. We're still alive after all. And I'm happy about 22-23 hours a day so that's not too shabby.

And so it begins

2011-10-03T14:45:00.003-04:00

I'm doing a lot of editing this month, some of which is quite intense and science-y. Little A is getting more babysitter time. I always miss her at first when I drop her off and then the time just flies and I'm worried I'm going to be late picking her up. Today she started whimpering when I picked her up to go home because she didn't want to stop playing. We've been wondering when Little A would stop being so sweet and lovey to us all the time (we really are spoiled in that area). So far she asserts her independence but still wants us around and seems to prefer mommy and daddy to anyone else. But, she's starting to get more interested in separate play. It's pretty weird that her babyhood will officially end in two months.

Really I should share some pics of our recent trip to KC. Maybe someday.

the illustration I forgot

2011-09-25T20:43:00.004-04:00

Happy Equinox

2011-09-22T17:00:00.004-04:00

"My mother groaned. My father wept. Into the dangerous world I leapt."
--John Vanderslice

I like equinoxes. Fall because it is the best season we have around here. Spring because it is the end of winter and the beginning of so much hope to me. This year I am especially thrilled for fall because it brings me safely into blessed trimester #2. Also I'm ready to just take my time and enjoy life with that precious/precocious tot-o-mine. She points to my belly button and says "baby in there." And then I hug and kiss her many times. Yes, the whole family (the three of us) is pretty excited for spring equinox, as that is when we are due to welcome kidlet #2. Although I am in no hurry.

We feel ridiculously blessed as the timing could not be better and we are so excited to see our little one become a big sister. I better end this blog post before the crying. Oh ye hormones.

P.s., You may see a reprise of that song early next spring.

Fruit Bats

2011-09-21T15:20:00.002-04:00

Recently went to a solid, fun rock show in Lawrence, Kansas. I had seen the Fruit Bats before and I do believe they rocked a lot harder this time. A little less folk, a little more straight-ahead rock, with just a pinch of the silly. Weirdly, the opener (who I guess the Fruit Bats front-man has played with before), Vetiver, played for a longer time than the Fruit Bats and I would describe them as lackluster. Fine, maybe even good, but a bit boring. Fruit Bats, however, were great. Not change-your-life great, but a-good-time-was-had-by-all great. Witness this video release from their new album:

Memories from the mid-00's

2011-09-10T14:01:00.001-04:00

Something made me think of both of these things today.

Thing 1, which is funny

Thing 2, which is awesome.

A good egg

2011-09-08T22:31:00.007-04:00

LCD just got back from helping some friends rip out all the carpet in their basement post-flooding (their house is about three times the size of ours) and two minutes later the next-door neighbors' teenager knocks and says their basement is flooding and he's out the door again.

I like him.

Sadly, I do fear there is more of this to come as we find out more people we know have had flooding damage (we're fine--I could kiss the dudes that regraded our sidewalk a while back). Worse still, many many areas around the northeast were hit much worse than ours. I guess last week's natural disasters were just practice?

Oh yeah, you music

2011-09-02T19:23:00.007-04:00

You would think based on the title of this blog that I spend some time listening to and/or playing rock music. Lately--say the last 21 months or so--you would be wrong. But then the other day LCD was whining about how we never do music stuff anymore and I came up with a project for us--to learn how to play and create our own version of a Beatles song every week. This week LCD picked "Hey Jude," a song most of us have heard a berjillion times. I mean, right?

But do you know that when we were playing/singing it, just about every time we got to the line "Hey Jude, you'll do. The movement you need is on your shoulder," I got goosebumps? Or butterflies. Something. Oh yeah, you music. You poetry.

There's a good chance you've heard the story, but in case not, the legend goes that Paul McCartney was not sure about this line because there's a slight awkwardness to it. "The movement you need is on your shoulder" is just not the sort of thing people generally say. But when he expressed his doubts about keeping it John Lennon told him it was the best line of the song. Based on my goosebumps, he was right. I love it when poetry is empowering without being corny.

Next week I want to learn "Got to Get You into My Life." I think it will be romantic (even though maybe it's actually about drugs--oh the sixties).

P.s., The cute part is that Little A is starting to learn the song. If you sing "Hey Jude," she'll say, "Don't make it bad."

Earthquakes, hurricanes, and worst fears

2011-08-24T13:36:00.003-04:00

So there was an earthquake here yesterday. Other than it being a creepy sign of the times it was no big deal. A hurricane coming this weekend could be a big deal for people on the coast. I'm hoping not. But anyway, for me, the scariest moment of the day, week, and possibly year happened yesterday and had nothing to do with natural disasters.

Here's how it went down:

The weather has been so wonderfully mild recently that I left the front door open after LCD went to work (closed the storm door of course) for some extra light. Little A and I ate and after breakfast I let the toddler scamper off to the next room (living room) while I did a little basic clean-up. Then I brought a sippy cup of milk in to the living room. "Here ya go, sweetie." Normally she will run for the milk and say something, but she did not and I was in a rush because I had just remembered somewhere we needed to be so I just left the room, closing the basement door as I passed it. Then I noticed in the bathroom mirror that my bangs looked ridiculous so I went in to wet them down and such. About thirty seconds later I came out of the bathroom and went to collect Little A in the living room, but she wasn't there and the milk was untouched. So I looked around in the other rooms and then I thought maybe she had gone upstairs so I went up there and looked in all the rooms. No kid. Okay, maybe she's hiding, I think, as she has escaped my view before by being behind a chair or something similar. So I start calling her name, running back downstairs and looking behind everything. Then I notice the front door that is still open (storm door still closed). Has she learned how to open the storm door? So I ran outside calling her name, starting to panic, and getting flashes of invented-sexual-predator in my brain. I look in every direction I can think of, it really has not been that long for her to get very far, but I see nothing. I run back inside trying to collect my thoughts. Could a sexual predator have run off with her that fast? Maybe. Now I am screaming her name and dashing around the house when I notice the basement door, still totally closed. I throw it open, run down the stairs, and there she is, playing quietly with her stupid alligator toy and blocks (what? she does not play quietly!). I burst into sobs on the spot and hugged her, all of which upset her a little bit since all the while she had just been chilling. My heart was racing and I couldn't get the image of invented-sexual-predator out of my mind.

Even though most of this happened in my head, it felt very traumatic. Now I wonder how I will ever deal with losing her at the mall one day when she's nine. Later, when the earthquake started and I picked her up and stood in a doorway I felt such relief that I was able to help protect her and keep her safe in that instant. When it was over I told her, "That was an earthquake," and it felt very comforting and parental to be able to say it.

It blows my mind sometimes to think about how mom-like I have become, but what else do you do when something so fragile, complicated, exasperating, and wonderful is in your solitary care most of the time?

Oh, I figured out that she must have already been in the basement when I shut the door, just in case you were wondering.

Le Sigh . . .

2011-08-16T22:18:00.005-04:00

Finally, I finally got myself a nice camera (not SLR or anything, just a decent point-and-shoot). It got here on Thursday but I didn't really start taking many pics until today b/c I needed an SD card. So Little A got ahold of it for a minute and there are teeth marks on the corner. Nice.

Two hours later it stopped working.

ARRRRRRRRGH.

I can't even prove I had it since I can't upload any of the photos I took.

Yes I'm sending it to the manufacturer to see if they will repair it. I don't know for sure that it was destroyed by Little A since it kept working for a while, but those tiny bite marks will probably not be earning me any cred.

I'm not mad at her as she is a toddler and it was my job to keep the expensive electronic equipment away, but I am frustrated that the camera I've been thinking about getting for over a year conked out the day I started using it.

Grumble.

Grunt.

My birthday present.

Okay, deep breath and a cute story about Little A before I teeter over the edge of the self-pity cliff into the abyss of loathing.

She is learning to pray and it is super cute. Today she bent her little head down and said "Heavenly Father. Thank you day . . . Papa D . . . Amen!" ("Papa D" has been sick so he gets mentioned often.)

Little A's Catch Phrases

2011-08-10T09:05:00.005-04:00

"I hear it now." (often closely linked with "far away!" and said whenever she hears anything out of the ordinary like a siren, train, plane, dog barking, etc.)

"Don't you do that!" (once she said "Don't you do that on purpose" which was pretty hilarious)

"Froggy do it." (also insert any other stuffed animal--basically means mom gets to pretend that the stuffed animal is doing something, e.g. throwing/catching a ball)

"One more!" (said holding her finger in the air--often used as "one more book" at bedtime, though yesterday she used it after we saw a plane fly across the sky--yes the child thinks I can somehow make planes fly by)

"Bye bye Daddy. See you later!"

"Find the woozles!" (still obsessed with Winnie the Pooh, we get our fix via youtube, and currently one of her favorite activities is to walk around outside looking for "woozles")

"Nigh nigh kiss!" (another delaying bedtime tactic, but oh-so-cute)

"Oh boy!" (said like the man in the yellow hat on Curious George)

"I fell down!" (starting to make herself fall down and then look up with a grin to say this--pretty funny)

**added later: "Rococo modern kids!" (can't believe I forgot this one--she is obsessed with the Arcade Fire song "Rococo" and requests it constantly)

I'm sure there are lots more but this is what comes to mind. She's quite the talker at 20 months and starting to be quite hilarious too. It's lots of fun.

Most interesting parenting moment of the day

2011-08-05T13:58:00.005-04:00

. . . so far, anyway.

Little A was being a stinker at lunch and throwing food on the floor (she's been doing this for almost a year now but it has slowed down recently as I think she pretty much "gets" gravity). So we went through the same routine as always where she does not get back anything that went on the floor and afterwards she has to clean it up. I'm not sure how much she learns from this, as she seems to think cleaning up is a game, but what is discipline if not consistent repetition ad nauseum?

So first she picks up all the pasta she threw down and puts it in the bowl--no problem. Then I ask her to pick up the string cheese and put it in the bowl too. "No," she says, and tries to hurry away. So I grab her, re-explain the situation, get another flat refusal, and then hold her while she screams and yells "no! no! no!" We continue in this fashion for a minute or two, me telling her what she must do over and over, her continued refusal, each of us getting more and more frustrated, and then my brain starts to work.

What is the goal here?
To get Little A to clean up her mess.
What about putting the string cheese in the bowl?
As long as she cleans it up, the message gets across.

So, I ask her if she would rather put the string cheese in the garbage and I get almost instant compliance. And from then on she's happy as though nothing had disturbed her.

Um.

My guess is that it seemed very wrong to her to combine the pasta with the string cheese in the bowl. It upset her sense of order.

So there we were in the middle of the power struggle and I'm sure it seemed very important to both of us that we win. But Little A doing EXACTLY what I say was only important as far as my ego was concerned. For the lesson to be learned, the methods could easily be modified. I'm reading this parenting book called Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles and it talks about (among other things) how power struggles are really an opportunity to learn from your child and discover what sort of emotions drive them. It was interesting to experience what the author talks about today.

Toddlers are strange little creatures, but I'm finding more and more that there is a weird sort of logic to their madness.

Twinkle twinkle

2011-07-28T15:30:00.004-04:00

So the video itself is not that cute because this child does not sit still. But the audio is pretty adorable.

twinkle on the move from emjay on Vimeo.

I'm 33 today

2011-07-19T14:19:00.002-04:00

Overall, I would say I'm happy about that. I don't have everything figured out yet, but I feel pretty comfy with myself. Go thirties!

hair cuts

2011-07-09T10:08:00.007-04:00

I have been living with a complete and utter lack of haircut for at least six months now (I lose track as I am usually focused on whether Little A looks cute instead). What I mean by lack of haircut is that my hair grew out from a previous decent haircut into a shambles of randomness. The horror. I have some tolerance for terrible hair but it ran out recently and so I made an appointment with my stylist, LCD.

After several false starts (one which I wore for an entire day before I convinced LCD that I looked too much like a cocker spaniel or a Hasidic Jew) we ended up basing the haircut on this:

So the question is, will this look work for me? It's actually too late now to change the outcome, though I did consider that question for about five minutes before proceeding. Then I figured at least it would be a haircut instead of a mess. LCD has the higher quality pics but here's one I just took from my netbook camera:

Not quite as stylish as hers but I think I like it. Still working on styling options. Oh and I will try and capture the mullet in the back later since LCD is very proud of it.

NPR Essay Draft Attempt 1

2011-07-06T00:14:00.003-04:00

This may be my only attempt as I should not have done this instead of working, but I have to publish it somewhere since I spent so much of my life doing it. I way overshot the word limit and did not even answer the question. Also it needs more showing and less telling. Yes, yes I know. Anyway, here it is . . .

The question: Has parenthood changed you? Was there a moment or incident that sparked the realization? Tell us about it.

In the early months I found myself describing it in terms of learning to swim. Though I don't remember it that well I imagine there's only so much you can do to prepare to learn to swim. Then when you're actually in water deeper than yourself for the first time, the key thing becomes simply not drowning, not choking on the water, flailing to stay afloat. Eventually you can work on getting from point A to point B via dogpaddle. The progression continues from there and even very good swimmers can still find themselves out of their element from time to time, in rough waters where the basics of staying afloat come into sharp focus once more as the main thing.

The first couple months of Adele's life, the routine was: wake up to her crying, stumble through the darkness, breastfeed her for 45 minutes and then hand off to my husband who would give her a supplemental bottle-feed and then hold her upright for 20 more minutes while she digested and I attempted to sleep, and two hours later repeat. Adele has no major health issues but she was a small baby with a weak sucking reflex early on and she was cursed with acid reflux like her father before her. Not to be left out, I was cursed with low milk supply and mild post-partum depression. Hint: this is the part where we flail to stay afloat.

Now Adele is 19 months old. We survived colic and post-partum depression and every bump since then and now I have on my hands a little toddler whose idol is Curious George. Today she ate part of a pencil, opened a box of bowtie pasta and spilled its entire contents, repeatedly poured buckets of water out of her baby pool despite my parental wisdom "water stays in the pool, not out of the pool," half-fell half-jumped off a couch (cried for two seconds and then climbed back onto that same couch), ran away from every diaper change as always, hit mom in the head on several occasions, danced, laughed, and said "mommy!" like I was the celebrity obsession of a love-sick teenager.

I often think to myself, "I left a promising career I was actually quite good at for this?" In my career I had my challenges and personality clashes and learning curves just like everyone, but I have to admit that most of the time if I did my homework and worked hard I saw success and received praise. Simple as that. I knew parenting would not be as easy as my job, but I did think I could prepare and arm myself with the tools and information I needed to succeed and it would happen in much the same way as it did at work.

I read books, I planned strategies, and I assumed that I would have the natural instinct of mothering the way I naturally excelled at most things in my career. Then Adele came along, laughed at my strategies and books, demoralized and humiliated my instincts. In short, she tore me down and then taught me how to be her mom from the ground up. Somehow in the middle of all that I started to realize what a miracle this parenting thing is and how it is making a new person of me. A person that doesn't already know the answer to anything.And when she says "mommy" in that in-love sort of tone, I think "Of course I left a promising career I was actually quite good at for this."

Now I swim a rudimentary freestyle stroke. And I tell everyone I can not to trust the books. There are no answers. I don't know if I even want answers anymore--that's how I've changed. Read them and use what works, but don't trust them. Sometimes you can't even trust yourself, though you are usually better off trying that. Mainly you have to trust your kid to show you the way. I don't mean give them ice cream and candy all day. I mean try everything until you find what works for them.

I thought parenting was something you planned ahead of time and executed, and yes to some extent it can be and it is certainly important to be consistent in discipline where possible. But mostly I now think parenting is the thing that happens in the meantime while you figure out how to do the thing your child needs. It's spending those agonizing late nights or patiently reading "Go Dog Go" for the hundredth time with all the same pauses and invented sub-plots. It's learning to embrace the fact that a conference call that goes past nap-time is going to get hairy and there's nothing you can do about it. It's breastfeeding your baby in the middle of a crowded metro station on a holiday because you know it's the only thing that will stop the crying. It's understanding that there is going to be so much amorphous whatever now in your life rather than schedules and plans and if-then scenarios.

It's "I once was found but now am lost." I mean, in a way, right?

They got us good

2011-07-03T21:01:00.002-04:00

Disney did. Can you believe the Winnie the Pooh adventure is not over??? It's been on backorder for weeks and I just did a more thorough search and its out of stock like everywhere and you can not get it new for less than OBSCENE. Probably because there's some new movie coming out (or that already came out?). Now I gotta decide if I want to pay $30 for a "good" quality used copy.

I feel so lame.

At least we mustered the courage to send it back to netflix. Little A hasn't asked for it in a while so maybe I should just leave it at that. If only it weren't so darn charming.

Just a little stress

2011-07-01T21:02:00.003-04:00

Nothing much. But it is amazing the difference between working 15 hours a week from home instead of 10 when you are otherwise a stay-at-home mom. It means more nights of hanging with my laptop instead of my LCD. I think the increased stress comes most from the fact that I could easily be working 20 hours or even more and getting through things faster, offering more services. But time is precious to me. So I do my best, but say "no thanks" much more than I would at a full-time job. It feels strange and a bit worrisome.

But things are good over here. We are much blessed.

A baby or a kid?

2011-06-15T14:02:00.003-04:00

Signs Little A is turning into a kid:

-She says "yeah" and "nope."
-She tries to climb trees (as of today).
-Other kids want to play with her.
-Sometimes other moms at the playground refer to her as "the little girl" when talking to their kid.

Signs Little A is still a baby:

-She will still cuddle with her head resting under my chin (when she cuddles at all, that is).
-She may know what to do with most toys, but she will still stick them in her mouth at some point.
-She self-identifies: points to herself and says "baby."
-Sometimes the playground moms call her "the baby."

At 18 months, she is two ounces shy of 20 lbs, and just over two-and-a-half feet tall.

That old nervous feeling

2011-06-07T14:42:00.004-04:00

A few minutes ago I started getting this nervous sinking feeling and I wasn't sure why. Then I remembered I'm sharing the bill (four ways) for a show on Friday. I'm not entirely sure how that even happened but I know it has been a long, long time. Thank the heavens I only have to play like three songs. Might need to find a paper back for breathing into . . .

Disney begins to slowly siphon our cash . . .

2011-06-05T20:57:00.003-04:00

Little A got a bunch of hand-me-down Winnie the Pooh books and she loves him. So we ordered the classic movie from Netflix to take on our recent roadtrip and a week later we still haven't sent it back.

And so it begins . . .

The movie is quite expensive on Amazon and even ebay, but she loves it and asks for "Pooh" in the most pitiful whimpery voice, while in teething pain no less. And, as it turns out, it is a truly wonderful movie for kids that is pretty much faultless when you compare it to the more recent rehashed straight-to-video princess garbage Disney tries to sell little girls on (if that's your thing, go ahead and love it, but it's not mine). Sigh. We finally found a deal where we don't feel completely humiliated at Best Buy, which is better than continuing to pay Netflix rental fees until the end of time. Now the question becomes do I have the guts to get rid of our current video while we wait for the one which is truly ours to arrive?

Newest tricks

2011-05-31T23:16:00.004-04:00

Little A has recently learned a couple new tricks:

1) using her superpowers to do . . . something

Untitled from Vimeo.

2) playing harmonica

Untitled from Vimeo.

3) being super cute (okay this trick is not new)

applesauce from Vimeo.

No illustrations

2011-05-31T08:52:00.003-04:00

I am a really inconsistent photographer. Which is probably not fair since I have the cutest child on the planet. But LCD took some photos (still on his phone) and so did other family members.

Anyway we just got back from vacation and had a great time. Little A got so much attention from her 4 girl cousins and she took it in stride. She's like, of course I deserve lots of attention. I mean, I am REALLY cool. We went to the beach and Little A ran into the ocean like a bat out of hell repeatedly. It is a lot of work keeping that child alive, I tell you. Sometimes I'm proud of her for being so fearless but in the moment it often scares the crap out of me. She's learned to tease me by pretending to get ready to jump off the highest point on the playground. Awesome. It was interesting to see her in comparison to her cousins and realize that I am not just some frazzled first time mom (though that may be part of it). She really is more active and fearless than any of her cousins ever were/are (confirmed by Grandpa). Oh, but how I love her.

It's boring to have someone tell you about their vacation with no pictures, so I will summarize:
beach
swamp
history
seafood
family

Then after we got back, LCD's side of the family came over for Memorial Day BBQ.

What a week.

Wisdom

2011-05-14T15:05:00.006-04:00

Have I mentioned my brother's advice column? It's often informative and sometimes even sensible, but always awesome. He's a nurse, so basically he knows everything.

Also, speaking of wisdom (mack-truck-no-breakssssuh), we got ourselves a new recording device that you don't need a degree in sound engineering to run. You do need the independent study course, though. Anyway, the music will not be kept down by (my) apathy. It rolleth forth.

p.s., we could use a babysitter in three hours. anyone?

Freelancing/working from home

2011-05-11T22:42:00.001-04:00

So it occurs to me that I might actually be able to make this blog useful to someone out there. After all, there are probably quite a few women (or men) that would like to be able to stay home with their babies (at least MOST of the time) but still need to make some money. I can tell you that it is certainly possible to do, but that it is also most definitely not for everybody. Only you know how that statement applies to you--just go with your gut. Also, I have no idea how you would do it without any specialized skills to start with. So, if you're looking for someone to tell you how to make gobs of money mysteriously from the internetz or become an e-bay tycoon from scratch or something of that ilk, I am not your gal. I am a freelance editor and writer because I used to be a full-time employed technical editor and writer. Which is not to say that you have to be a writer/editor to work from home freelance-style (maybe you make a killer wedding cake, who knows?), but since that's what I know best I might talk a little about that.

Anyway . . .

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to interview myself as if I were myself a few years ago.

Is it worth it? Meaning: is it worth it to sometimes be stressed out staying up late at night working on some piddly project to get the so-called "privilege" to spend all day with a cromagnon being?

For me the answer is a "hell yes." For you? Who knows, we're all different. But here's the thing: three month post-partum me--had she the brain power to answer such a question with anything but "buhhh whaaaa?"--would likely offer an emphatic "hell no." It takes time to get used to such an arrangement. But now, today, I adore the fact that if Little A wants to spend an hour some morning just going through all the books on her shelf we have time to do that. And if one day it takes us two hours to walk to the grocery store and back, since there are so many wonderful things to stop and smell on the way, then why not?

Ok, so how did you get started freelancing?

Hooo boy. Well, firstly I had a master plan. And item number one was amass lots of diverse experience and keep relationships after each experience ends. Three years ago me should actually know this, but maybe she wants some reassurance? By the way, some of my experience was regular employment stuff and some of it was volunteering for non-profits. Also I was lucky enough to have a good chunk of savings due to several years working prior to having the baby and my pretty relentless frugality. This allowed me to be pretty lazy about the whole thing for a while, which was great because I know myself and sometimes I enjoy being lazy. So know yourself and try and get the savings to compensate.

Next, I started contacting all those people I had maintained relationships with. "Hey, I had a baby and am interested in some contract work" with some nice pleasantries in-between. And, I mentioned it to some friends, too. Not in a slimy "want to buy some knives?" sort of way, but just in a "hey, this is what I am trying to do with my life" sort of way.

And so then the work and dough started rolling in?

Sort of-kind of. I got lazy for a while and then got a reality wake-up call as we were looking at out budget and realized I needed to get more serious and more professional. So I created a business website. I took my time and sold myself pretty well on it, I think. Since I was selling my writing, the language had to be pretty much perfect and I needed to come up with a compelling hook. I also gathered all my portfolio materials together, did some more research on standard rates and came up with some, and registered my business. Then, I started contacting people again and directed them to my website.

So how much work do you get?

Not a ton, but that is not my point. And I could probably get more if I wanted to. I just need enough to meet our desired budget and it turns out I can get there in 10 hours a week, or even a little less. Right now I fluctuate (A LOT) but that is my average. And when you consider that I am paying almost nothing for child care (sometimes I drop her at the neighbor's home daycare for a couple hours), it's as if I were working at least twice that (with daycare). We are by no means "rolling in it" but we will be able to replace my car when it dies (with a nice used car) and save a little bit.

What about your relationship with the hubs?

Oh man I sure love him. But, yes, I have to make spending time with him a priority. I will occasionally have serious deadlines that require working late hours and handing off the baby when LCD gets home. That is lame-tastic, but it is rare, thankfully. If that were the general rule, I guarantee you I would get a part-time job so fast. But, most of the time I make nap-time plus his one late night at work my work-time. At some point when the babe starts to get more and more unreliable with nap-time I will have to schedule a more permanent part-time care situation. I am currently looking into swapping with another mom 1-2 X a week to ensure I have time to work and time to hang with my loves.

Well it sounds like everything is wrapped up into a neat little package then.

Sure, until the next dry spell. Or the next kid messes up my schedule. Or this one stops taking naps. But yeah, in general I think we will survive.

Year Two: Rocks, Sticks, and Flowers

2011-05-10T20:02:00.004-04:00

Do you remember when I said I was going to rock year two of parenting? Well, I don't know if it's me that's rocking it necessarily but I am loving this second year.

Little A is pretty much non-stop fun. Well, until she breaks something. Which happens pretty much every day. But, hey, it's just stuff.

All day long she labels everything we see with a level of enthusiasm I have rarely had in my life. (Well, actually, in most of my childhood pictures I do have crazy eyes and a wide-open mouth, so the enthusiasm must still live in me somewhere. For now it is expressed through my daughter.) A rock! A stick! Look, a flower! A plane! A train! Eyes, nose, mouth, ear, hair! The playground! Seriously, the playground!!!! (Pronounced "ba-pow.") Daddy! Daddy's shoe! Wow, Daddy's tie! A dog! A bunny! My bear! All day long.

For mother's day she learned to pronounce "mommy" correctly, which was cute and sad simultaneously (b/c "mimi" WAS rather adorable).

That did not go so well

2011-05-05T12:22:00.003-04:00

Just got off a conference call a few minutes ago with a bunch of guys I was meeting for the first time who were all talking specialized technical stuff I only have a rather generic background in. Oh, and at the same time, someone was picking up a bunch of casseroles from my house to take to the homeless services center place I usually go to monthly (just my lucky timing). Also my neighbor canceled on me for watching the babe, so she was being occupied somewhat by Curious George, though she came by often to shout at me. The best part of all is that I could not figure out how to make the mute button work on my phone. Gotta love working from home.

On another note, happy 17 months Little A!

So my mile was not exactly a mile

2011-05-02T21:33:00.002-04:00

It was more like 2 miles according to mapmyrun.com. The pedometer app I used was apparently for crap.

The good news is I've been running 2 miles. Phew. After that first time I was worried maybe I would be dead soon. Turns out I'm just normal out-of-shape.

Nature Lovin'

2011-04-19T23:00:00.003-04:00

as captured by cell phone . . .

This AM's little adventure

2011-04-18T14:11:00.000-04:00

We had a simple little adventure this morning that started reminding me of a children's book about halfway through. It was all about trying to get to the store to buy some bananas or "mana" for my little banana fiend and all the obstacles we encountered along the way. I'll tell you more about it later. I gotta work but I just wanted to write this as a little reminder to myself. Hope you don't mind.

fistful of love

2011-04-14T20:47:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking of this song lately, because:

a: It's on the running mix I created in 2005, which I have been rediscovering
b: Apparently toddlers really do use violence to say I love you (well, mine does). Just change the words slightly: "I feel that slap to the face/punch to the gut/toy you are whacking me with repeatedly, and I know it's out of love." (By the way, PSA, just because toddlers do it does not make it okay. In fact, most things they do are not okay for grown-ups.)

I love this song, though. It's gorgeous and tragic to the max.

Okay, that was a little better

2011-04-13T23:22:00.004-04:00

I ran again. See, I told you I would, internets. This time I only walked at the very end to "cool down." Believe me, my running is not much faster than your walking but I still count it. Feeling like slightly less of a lump today anyway.

I "ran" a mile yesterday

2011-04-12T09:42:00.003-04:00

So I did not have too hard of a time losing the baby weight. It was not immediate, but I was back to normal (or at least close enough--we won't talk about belly skin) by 9 months after. Hooray for breastfeeding! NEVERTHELESS, I am in terrible shape, except perhaps for my arms. So yesterday I went jogging for the first time in a long, long time. It is finally light enough outside after dinner (when LCD can watch the babe)! A mile used to be no problem for me (to be fair to myself, there are a lot of hills in this mile and I got just-ate-dinner cramps) but it took me for-EV-er and I had to walk about HALF of it. I can't think of a time in the rest of my life that I have ever had to walk HALF of one stinkin' little mile. I really did not think I would be this weak SIXTEEN MONTHS (!) post-baby. It convinced me all the more that I need to get back into running a few times a week. So, going for a repeat on Wednesday, maybe with slightly better results? I'm hoping that within a couple of weeks I can run the whole time and start to add more distance.

I feel like kind of a loser compared to the women that are back to an exercise regimen a couple weeks after the baby. I won't lie. Baby recovery was not easy on me and my insides and I honestly could not walk without pain until maybe 2 or 3 months after, so I doubt I will ever be one of those women. But still . . . next time I ought to be able to do more (yoga is not enough, it turns out) at least by 6 months.

Anyway, you gotta start somewhere!

Please legitimize me

2011-04-10T11:48:00.002-04:00

Or not so much me as the songwriting challenge. We could use a few more votes in the latest contest. Frankly, I think three of the songs for this contest are just about equally outstanding and you should listen to them. I wish I could give one vote to each, but I had to choose somebody.

2011-03-25T22:00:00.001-04:00

Oh I love that baby

Also I need a decent camera

Update on "The Brick Fairy"/Emily

2011-03-24T13:29:00.006-04:00

Remember when I wrote about Little A's first friend? If not, you should probably check it out here.

Anyway, since those heartwarming moments we have had lots of interactions with the girl, whose name I still do not know. LCD and I asked her to spell it one time with our pathetic rudimentary sign language, but we couldn't figure out what she was spelling and eventually gave up. I recently decided that she seems like an Emily, so I guess that should be her code name. Especially since she has not delivered any bricks to us in ages.

So . . . "Emily" is still Little A's biggest fan in the neighborhood (maybe--the next door neighbors do kind of adore her) and she gets very excited every time she sees us outside. Lately, that is pretty darn often. I never see "Emily" interacting in positive ways with anyone else so I figure her time with Little A is a good thing. I try not to quash it; I really do.

Except sometimes it's unsafe. Little A is all about playing on the playground now, but she is only 15 months old so she needs mucho supervision. "Emily" tends to be all over Little A and often gets between us and I get really anxious and oh yeah sometimes I have to dart in and keep Little A from falling 2-3 baby lengths onto the ground (yikes). And I don't let "Emily" take Little A down the big slide on her lap. I feel somewhat bad about this because I would trust one of our next door neighbors' kids to take Little A down the slide and they are probably a little younger than "Emily," but I still just don't know what she's capable of.

Also, I hate to say this, but sometimes it's plain old annoying. I know; I am a terrible person. But Little A is really into doing things on her own and so I let her when it is practical. "Emily," on the other hand, is all up in Little A's face and grabbing at her all the time. She wants to touch her hands, her face, to hug her, pick her up, etc. I really just want to say "Dude, just give her some space," but she can't hear. And she might not get it anyway. I end up trying to gesture to her to not touch Little A. Maybe that's mean of me.

It's an interesting playground dilemma and I hope we get past this awkward hurdle and Little A's relationship with "Emily" ends up being a positive one for everyone. I want Little A to grow up with compassion, but it would be so much less stressful if I didn't have to worry about my wobbly toddler getting knocked down, manhandled, and even just bugged by the well-meaning special needs adolescent.

On the one hand, this is such a small thing and just one little part of my life. On the other hand, I feel like how I handle this is evidence of what kind of person I am. Am I easily exasperated? (Yes) Am I tolerant? (Sort of) Do I have love for those that are not easy to love? (I try) I know my attitude will one day become my daughter's attitude so it feels important. Hope I don't screw it up.

Alien Invasion!

2011-03-20T21:42:00.003-04:00

I have finally posted the latest songwriting challenge entries over
here!

Check it.

Chick Flick Duds

2011-03-19T23:17:00.004-04:00

There used to be such a thing as a good chick flick, didn't there? I'm having a hard time recalling them now, but I know there are some romantic comedies I have seen that actually were romantic and/or actually funny, right? Or those empowering sisterhood movies; they had their moments, didn't they? And I'm not talking period films, because those are always automatically better (we recently watched "The Young Victoria" and it was fantastic). It seems like every time I talk LCD into watching a chick flick these days, it is terrible. The characters are annoying, the romance is like eating sand, and I feel slightly dumber after having watched the movie. And I want them to be good--or at least redeemable. When I am in the mood, I am someone who is totally on board with "feel good" moments. I'll eat it right up if it is at all believable.

Somewhat recently we have netflixed:
"You Again"
"The Back-up Plan" (okay fine, this was my fault)
"Leap Year"

all three of which totally fit the above criteria of terribleness. Do I need to abandon the genre altogether?

Winter did not defeat me

2011-03-15T18:45:00.004-04:00

this year.

Last year, it totally defeated me. I was the epitome of defeated.

This year was different. Also, there weren't three foot snowdrifts for weeks and weeks through February. So that helped. And my baby still hates staying inside and still fusses about it, but only at about 1/10th of the power of last year. So that helped. And I wasn't fighting postpartum depression. So again, thank you universe. And I could walk without feeling like I would die. So, yes, there are many reasons.

But also I planned really well. I stalked the weather for nice days. And I loosely interpreted "nice days." And we went outside every possible moment that wasn't freezing. And now it is mostly spring. There are buds on some of the trees. And the daffodils in the backyard are set to open any day.

Aaaaaah.

15 months of baby love

2011-03-10T20:18:00.003-05:00

Really, we're still counting? Yes.

Today my sweet baby was subjected to ridiculous numbers of vaccines, including the MMR, known widely as the one that causes Autism, except that it doesn't. I know it's ridiculous, but there is a miniscule part of me that still thinks what if? I mean, I believe science and all but it's not like science has never been wrong before. Anyway, she also got a Chicken Pox vaccine, which means no pock-marked rite of passage for her. Some day I can imagine myself telling her about "my day" when kids got chicken pox and nobody got to watch movies in the car.

She was pretty clingy for the latter half of the day, but really sweet about it, giving me lots of hugs and later pointing at the bandaids on her legs and saying "ow" ever-so-daintily. She calls me "mimi" which I kind of want to freeze in time. It is sooooooo cute. She also kept saying "a-bell-a" today as it rained all. day. long.

Here's her teensy tiny stats:
Length/height = 28.5 inches (around 5%)
Weight = 18 lbs 7 ounces (around 2%)
Head = 18.25 inches (around 65%)

I know a lot of people are not huge fans of this stage of still getting into everything and starting to throw little tantrums and let's not forget fussing and crying the entire time you make dinner. But other than the few moments where I almost lose it when she dumps her food all over the floor that we just scrubbed down the night before, I love it. She gives hugs all the time and kisses sometimes and loves to read read read. She climbs on top of me and giggles her face off. We chase each other around the house. She calls me "mimi." She loves to play outside and runs like a wild woman across the grass fields. Basically, it's awesome.

And now I better get back to what I'm supposed to be doing tonight. Not exactly thrilling, but it pays a lot more per hour than blogging.

Memory lane, oh the drama . . .

2011-03-07T14:30:00.000-05:00

My brother recently sent me a two-cd "Anthology" that compiles all of the crap recordings I made of myself playing guitar and singing in the early days. By crap recordings I mean "insert blank tape into boom box and press record." Or sometimes, when being really innovative, I would record multiple tracks by putting the first tape into my parent's stereo, pressing play, and then pressing record on the boombox that was strategically placed next to the stereo speaker. That would be how I got to harmonize with myself on some of the songs.

Needless to say, the recordings are laughable, as are many of the songs I wrote, some of which I honestly have no memory of. But there they are, preserved for future generations now. Oh the memories. Reliving my teenage and early college years, I had to face some hard truths, such as:
1) I had NO IDEA how to use a microphone (and sadly I still am not that great). All my dynamic variation makes for some serious screeching from time to time (which I tell myself was not my actual voice but the recording of said voice because I was too darn loud!!!)
2) I was a terrible guitar player (though I thankfully got better as the recordings got later in time).
3) Dramatic much? There was so much feeling in some of the songs with so much simultaneous vagueness. I believe this is what I thought passed for poetry in those days.

Still, there was something about a few of those songs. That pure, raw emotion of a self conscious/self-centered 17 or 18-year-old is kind of beautiful. Also, once we got into "Freshman Year" territory with the songs I got to relive all the incredible fun and drama that year was for me in my life. Oh how I loved that year. I could listen to songs and pinpoint, "Oh this is the one about my 'friend' who was really trying to 'steal' the guy that wasn't quite mine"-- ha ha ha. Or "this song is the only thing I got out of Anatomy class" (and unfortunately it's not that good). Or "this is my love song for that one Canadian guy who later got kicked out of school." So, today, as I had all those old songs swirling in my brain I had this idea. This wonderful, awful idea. Those songs, while a bit over-the-top for my taste today, might fit perfectly into . . . wait for it . . . a musical.

Would anyone want to watch a musical loosely based on my first year of college? Ha ha ha. I'll give you a little taste first. These are the lyrics (inspired by this, actually) that would introduce (and be sung by) the character that would be loosely based on me:

When I call into the night
I don't expect an answer
But I shout out anyway
To calm my nerves and let myself be heard by the stillness

Lifting my arms to the heavens
I offer up a question
And I decide that there may be
Something better . . . than just courteous gestures

Chorus:
And I feel as though I knew something once
That could impact all the silence that is felt
And sometimes I come so near to it that I smile
Because we become better in the end

I think I would either axe or change later verses. Anyway, this musical would have to be more than just the puppy love/friend betrayal dramaz/road trips/staying up all night with hours of conversation/festival of crappy grades that was my freshman year. You know, like throw in a murder mystery or something. Ya think?

Ba-pa!

2011-02-26T16:30:00.002-05:00

...is what Little A shouted when I showed her this picture:

For all the photos of herself she just says "baby."

attic of mystery

2011-02-25T21:32:00.002-05:00

We just finished our latest home improvement adventure: attic insulation. Oooh and aaah. Okay, we paid someone to do it, but there is still an adventure in it. Just wait for it through a couple paragraphs (if you dare). The sea of foamy pink in our attic now looks quite luxurious and swimmable (is that one "m" or two?).

LCD and I could talk to you about home improvement adventures for probably three days straight. That's how awesome we are. And that's how awesome it is to buy a foreclosed home. How about a brief list of the highlights since December 2008? (December is the month in which we get married, buy houses, and have babies.)

1 Recarpeting in total
2 Repainting except for the basement
3 Tiling the kitchen
4 Refinishing the kitchen cabinets
5 Landscaping the yard
6 Repairing and cleaning the fence
7 Trimming trees
8 Buying a brand new HVAC (Yowzers -- thank you tax credit.)
9 Regrading the sidewalk
10 Repairing drywall in ceiling and part of walls (after an exciting pipe leak!)
11 Replacing some pipes (Hello pipes from 1973! I'm sure we'll meet again!)
12 Recaulking bathrooms
13 Replacing toilet tank
14 Replacing kitchen faucet
15 Replacing light fixtures
16 Replacing shower hardware
17 Rebuilding/Replacing Window Screens
18 Installing ceiling fan
19 Adding attic insulation

Some of these things we did ourselves, others we paid people to do, and some were a combo. And there is more in the minutae of it all, but if you're not asleep yet I'll be moving on.

The attic insulation project ended up being bigger for us than we had planned. Mostly because there was a lot of junk up there. Especially a lot of old, musty, strangely-colored carpet. And part of a stove. And two chairs that I would not trust anyone bigger than an infant to sit on (and since infants tend to fall off things the chairs are pretty much 100% useless). And an old desk. The old desk was definitely the most exciting part of the adventure. One drawer was filled with a collection of those tiny tourist spoons you can buy when you go to Niagara Falls or Baker--home of the world's largest thermometer--California. We also found an illustrated dictionary of . . . SCIENCE! And there were school pictures of two African American kids about age 10 and age 12, wearing 1987ish clothing. Random scraps of construction paper, colored pencils, and highlighters rounded out the treasure trove.

The attic of mystery is no more. It has been replaced by a well-organized storage area surrounded by puffy pink fairyland. Math tells us it will pay for itself in about four years so I guess that means we're sticking around for a while. Or whatever.

Feeling feverish

2011-02-22T20:34:00.004-05:00

I keep seeing new baby pictures, announcements, blogs, even "I'm in labor" posts on facebook. Some from good friends, some acquaintances, and a few complete strangers. Congratulations, all you people! Anyway, all the excitement has got me thinking about baby #2. Thus has been my progression since having Little A:

0-3 months: I am never having another baby
3-6 months: Okay, maybe some day
6-9 months: Little A needs a sibling, but if I got pregnant right now I would cry A LOT
9-12 months: Finally getting the hang of this. Think I might not cry too much if I got pregnant now with the next kid.
12-15 months (aka now): Um, okay, so when can we start?

It doesn't hurt that Little A is finally sleeping through the night as of a couple weeks ago. Don't pity me about that, though. It's been totally under control since six months (just one wake-up to eat . . . usually) and I felt really good about how her sleep progressed. But still, I do like the idea of being able to sleep ridiculous amounts of hours if/when I get pregnant, so I am very glad we got to this point. Little A is also so fun now! She's a little giggling monster and she says really cute things.

The only thing that worries me, internet, is having another early winter baby. It's depressing. So, for now, everyone else keep having babies and I'll keep being excited for you.

When you're strange

2011-02-16T10:05:00.009-05:00

So, there's a character from the show Lost (in case you don't know) named Daniel Faraday. He's the tortured genius that often has an intense quizzical expression like this:

He's definitely socially awkward, though also endearing. Lately my thinks-he's-hilarious husband has been cracking up on random occasions while I'm speaking and then telling me my mannerisms looks like Daniel Faraday's. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well you married me, so you must love it.

I've always had a sneaking suspicion I might be a little strange. It comes up from time to time, especially when I attempt to have conversations with female acquaintances that I don't share a lot of common interests with. See, when that happens the conversation devolves into what happened on "The Bachelor" lately or some such thing. I'm not going to pretend I am somehow above "The Bachelor," as I've seen random episodes here and there. I mean it's kind of like a car wreck, right? Desire for Fame (the 18-wheeler) v. Self-Respect (the little Honda that could). But, even if I have seen the latest episode, I just can't muster the enthusiasm needed to have a satisfying conversation about the actual characters/reality stars/whatever. And I often can't come up with an opinion about the supposed "romance" aspect. I mean don't they always fly in a helicopter and then make out? How do I know who's right for who based on that? And I'm being serious here: I will even try--like really hard--to come up with an opinion and I just can't. So, the conversation derails or I say something unintentionally funny (I guess, though I won't know WHY it's funny) and anyway I quickly find myself on the outside watching other women converse.

So, yeah. I guess I'm Daniel Faraday, sans time-traveling or physics genius. It must just be sheer dumb luck that I got married, but I'll take it.

Valentine's Day Outing

2011-02-14T13:31:00.014-05:00

I figured this post should be illustrated, but since I've taken no pictures of the subject matter, google images gives us this for "gratitude" (which I feel very much today):
I'm not sure where the painted rock craze started and I'm not sure I care, but this immediately reminded me of the rock I was given in my childbirth class, which I wrote on in permanent marker the words "Get into the sweetness," the origin of which is kind of a long story. Anyway this post is sort of aimed at a friend of mine that had her first baby a couple weeks ago and she knows the story, so I think I'll leave it at that. I think it suffices to say I pictured there would be some sort of zen moment during childbirth in which I rose above the pain, but I do not remember that happening those fourteen months ago. I also do not remember ever getting that rock out of my bag. Whatever. I do remember my beautiful baby.

This post is actually about this morning. This morning was one of the great moments I had pictured as being a part of parenting before I ever became a parent. Today is the first spring-like day of the year. Here's "spring thaw":
Little A and I went outside in regular clothes and light jackets to the common area behind our house. She walked on grass for the first time in her life. We've been outside this winter, but never on as nice a day, so she has normally been in the stroller. So, even though she has been walking for over two months, this is the first time on grass. Next year, friend with the two week old baby, this will be you. Then we went to the playground, again for the first time since she could walk. It was almost like the playground had never existed before since now she can explore it in a new way, not just because of the walking but because of her new identity as an outdoor explorer. Later we splashed in a puddle for the first time, which she eventually sat in and got her pants drenched. Kind of gross, but still awesome, yes? It was kind of like this, except messier. I'm sentimental, I know, but her shoes had never been wet and dirty before. As we walked around the whole area, following the drainage ditch to the other side of the neighborhood, I realized she had never walked that far before. She quickly learned how to walk on bumpy ground. We laughed and played, picked up leaves and rocks and things, and magically they were not stuck in her mouth but just examined, twirled. There is so much little girlness and also just general little kidness in her waiting to burst out.

A year ago it was hard to believe I would ever sleep again, or she would learn how to take a nap, sit up, crawl, walk. Newborn boot camp, amazing and wonderful and miraculous as it is, can sometimes feel like it is forever. I think this is especially the case with winter babies because it seems so long before you can even go outside. Today, when we walked in the house from outside and I took off both of our muddy shoes (and Little A's whole outfit) and then saw them sitting on the mat next to each other, I thought "this is perfect." And, "this day will never happen again," so that is why I wrote it down. Happy Valentine's Day and love to all.

p.s., This picture brings up another factoid: Little A planted her first kiss on a little 13-month-old baby boy yesterday. Right on the lips! Sadly, I was not there to see it, but I was told by LCD that it was the cutest thing ever. She's been a little flirt from the beginning, but what a vixen!

p.p.s, Of course LCD is my #1 Valentine but we've had enough gushing about him around here. He'll get his gushing in private.

Not slowing down for anything

2011-02-03T21:12:00.007-05:00

Oh how I wish someone had been able to film Little A today at the mall play area! I myself was busy trying to keep her from getting a concussion. Another day perhaps.

Holy smokes she is a speed demon. A good caption for this theoretical film a la America's Funniest Home Videos (does that show still exist?) would be "outtamyway outtamyway outtamyway outtamyway outtamyway outtamyway outtamyway . . ."

Once she discovered the little play house with the little stairs leading to the little slide it was true love and (to borrow a phrase) she did not stop til she got enough. Round and around she flew, squeezing past all the other children, all of whom were bigger than her. This one poor toddler that seemed to be roughly in the same age bracket as Little A (between 1 year and 18 months) was slowly trying to work up the courage to go in the house while little a lapped her at the doorway a few times in a row. Luckily she was not a bully about it (it's hard to be a bully when you're under the 5% line on growth charts), she was simply a woman on a mission.

I could not persuade her to leave until a very apologetic three-year-old ran smack into her. Yoinks!!!

Recently an acquaintance from church who has more or less watched Little A grow up commented, "She didn't really like being a baby, did she?" And I had to say "Nope. Not really. But she loves being a toddler." I know she's only 14 months old but when that is your whole life it probably seems like a long time. I feel like she's been waiting her whole life to run.

p.s., I reserve the right to still call her a baby since she really still is one in a lot of ways.

New Songwriting Challenge Up

2011-01-29T21:44:00.002-05:00

Thoughts on SOTU

2011-01-25T23:31:00.008-05:00

So, I mostly liked the speech a lot. And I thought the follow-up speech also made some good points, despite being delivered in a rather condescending way. Here are some thoughts I have an hour or so later as it's starting to sink in:

1. Obama's speech writer(s) is/are still awesome.
2. Rep. Ryan's forehead is insane.
I honestly started to just watch his forehead I was so mesmerized.
3. I agree with Obama that at this point we should focus on reforming the health care bill, not repealing it (and definitely not unless they have a viable replacement--that would be completely asinine).
4. I agree with Ryan that the deficit/debt is the most important issue and that Obama may be trying to do too much.
5. That said, Obama's ideas for investment are spot-on if and when we can afford them.
6. I do not fully trust either of these dudes, but Ryan's smugness turned me off more than Obama's wild-eyed dreaming. I really don't like smugness in others, probably because it reminds me of my least favorite thing about myself.
7. I don't quite understand the phrase "spending freeze" in the case of the federal government.
8. I also don't understand how lower taxes and lower national debt are compatible.
9. All things considered, I actually feel slightly more confident that our elected officials are not going to let the country completely go to hell than I was before tonight, so I guess that's a win for everybody.
10. My biggest hell yes moment was this, from Obama's speech: "Every day, families sacrifice to live within their means. They deserve a government that does the same." Seconded by this a minute later: "I'm willing to eliminate whatever we can honestly afford to do without. But let's make sure that we're not doing it on the backs of our most vulnerable citizens."

I have more reactions/ideas, but this is as good a stopping place as any.

New to my rekkid collection

2011-01-24T21:34:00.005-05:00

I've been slowly but surely adding to our record collection. I recently found this used record store and my awesome husband got me a bunch of LPs for Christmas. Then, right after Christmas we went to the store to try and get rid of some of the random records we had inherited from the same coworker of LCD's (all hail her name--except I can't remember it) that gave us the record player. So, little a and I have varied our listening to include other pop/rock albums than just Thriller. In case you didn't read my post of like a million years ago, we do still have a random collection of world music.

One of the records I picked up in our most recent jaunt:

I honestly was not sure why I had ever heard of this band, but I knew I had. Plus, little a needs more exposure to lady rockers and at least their lead singer is a woman. It turns out they sing a really annoying song from the eighties that you may have heard called "I Know What Boys Like." However, there is more to them than just that song. Not a lot more, I'll admit-- but more. I am still undecided as to whether I like them on the whole, but they are kind of fun new wavey punky and this song (embedding was disabled on YouTube, so I guess you have to really want it to go all out and click) I personally find to be completely charming.

It reminds me of some more recent indie female vocalists that have the cutesy talky little girlish thing going on, but with a dash of Joan Jett attitude.

Oh, fun fact I just found out googling these guys. The album I have was never released on CD. My vinyl copy would be a collector's edition . . . except that it got released on itunes a couple years ago.

OK, so it was worth it...

2011-01-19T10:57:00.002-05:00

Six seasons of LOST in about six months, that is. LCD and I bonded trying to understand what the heck was going on. And, even though there were lots of little annoyances along the way, there were also lots of things that were brilliant, funny, touching, heartwrenching and just plain cool. The ending was about 99% satisfying to me, though I did wonder if it would be less satisfying to others depending on . . . well some stuff (I don't want to give anything away to people like me that did not see the show during it's TV run). I loved the vast majority of the final episode and did in fact bawl like a baby through sections of it. Ah, sweet catharsis. I'm trying to get LCD to read The Brothers Karamazov with me next for our joint enlightenment project. I already know what happens in that book but it HAS been a long time and it is a candidate (he he) for my favorite book ever.

What to do with nine six-year-olds

2011-01-16T20:29:00.006-05:00

My new "calling" (aka job) in church this year is to teach the six-year-olds. They really are awesome kids, but there are NINE of them and not a one of them is the quiet type. So far the class goes:

chaos
order
chaos
order
chaos
order
brilliant insight! who are these kids?
chaos
order
chaos
order
chaos
order
what is this child yammering about?
uh...
wait, is she still talking or did I just pass out?
chaos
order
chaos
order
wow, they get it!
order still!
and . . . chaos
order
chaos
or- no wait, more chaos
phew, their parents are here to get them!

When I get to the end I am left wondering "did I do that right?" But, hey, I figure they're still alive. How bad could it be?

Five Years Ago Today...

2011-01-13T11:34:00.007-05:00

It was an unseasonably warm Friday, the 13th of January, and I had plans to hang out with a friend I had known for a few years who I didn't normally spend that much time with. Still, he was the kind of guy I could call up every few months and ask if I could borrow his PA equipment, or if he wanted to go to an open mic with me, or to come over for game night, and he would almost certainly oblige unless he was genuinely busy. He was also the type of guy that would never come empty-handed to a party. In short, he was "good people."

When he got to the house to pick me up we stood around outside for a while, basking in the surprise gift of summer in January, and talking about how perfectly the weather matched with the eeriness that is Friday the 13th. In the car, he had cheesy 80's music playing out of a tape deck and I think I made some crack about how eerie it was that we had been transported back in time. We had fun that night just being normal. We ate donuts, which he paid for and I wondered for a brief second if we were on a date, but, seriously? Donuts? That cost a dollar? Not a date.

Then we went to the pool hall/club/joint his friend's band was playing at, where he also paid for a table. Hmm. I beat him at pool on a technicality and soon the band was playing. They played danceable tunes and I like to dance so I was kind of movin' in my seat when random dude comes up and asks me to dance. I looked at my friend as if to say, "Are we on a date or what?" and received a shrug, so I got up to dance with the guy. And, yes it was awkward, but I made it work and soon my friend joined us on the dance floor and it got back to normal again. And we had fun. Everything was shiny and happy and NOT nervous.

I remember chatting constantly on the way back in the car and the feeling coming over me that this is definitely a date and I started to feel excited. I told him about Antony and the Johnson's and how he had to come inside and listen to this one song when we got back. And he did. And we talked about doing this whole thing again sometime. It was the most comfortable sort of happiness.

Come to think of it, I've still got that comfortable happiness. Dang, I'm lucky.

Shame me all the way to the clearance rack

2011-01-11T21:11:00.003-05:00

I know new year's resolutions are so eleven days ago, but I have one that's been sort of percolating under the surface (picture a bog here with a little hiccupy bubble) that I keep squashing back down (with a rubber mallet, maybe?) because--well--I'm a little embarrassed. It's not as important as my goals to write more fiction/music or get in shape or focus more on spirituality or even to have more fun, but it might help a bit in the confidence-to-make-things-happen department.

You see, I want to be more stylish. Yet, I still want to maintain a very reasonable budget. I'll be honest: I want to spend very, very little but get away with it by making good, classic choices and using interesting but versatile accessories.

There, I said it. The shame. Anyway, pointers are much appreciated if anyone stylish happens to be reading this. I'm not above garage sales, thrift stores, and the like. I've just had a hard time finding much in my size in the past.

Back to Livin'

2011-01-04T16:50:00.002-05:00

This year's theme. Not exactly brilliant, but that's exactly why it's so necessary. I feel like the bulk of 2010 was a throwback to my first year in grad school: ten. years. ago. Yeah, I'm old. But to be fair to myself, I was a 22-year-old grad student.

How was it like grad school? I learned a lot, failed a lot, grew a lot, felt like giving up a lot, and survived, ready to kick some serious ass in year two. And, as it turns out, I rocked year two of grad school, so I expect to do the same with year two of parenting, in which I branch out and start livin' again. That means more creativity, better health, more playtime, and more confidence of course. Also, Little A is going to be cake this year.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

OK, gotta go.

Baby's Best Friend X 2

2010-12-31T10:55:00.006-05:00

Little A had the time of her life chasing my parents' dog around over Christmas. He's the perfect baby dog since he's sweet, old, and very experienced with kids (having gone through Little A's four cousins' assault). Every morning she would wander around looking for the dog calling "woof, woof" (well, minus the "f") and excitedly point at him over and over, shouting "dog" (minus the "g") when she found him. I'm kind of sad for her now that she doesn't get to see him every day anymore, but not sad enough to go out and buy a dog or anything. Here she is rocking her new party dress with the old guy.

Her other best friend chose her. Here she is:

Cousin L, my brother's three-year-old, spent a lot of time following Little A around, hugging her and speaking to her in a high-pitched voice that I'm guessing some older folks couldn't even hear. Actually, I'm kind of looking forward to being too old to hear it myself. She was a very attentive cousin and very sweet and Little A endured well the invasion of her personal space. In fact Little A's eyes lit up when we saw this picture and she said something sort of almost approximating Cousin L's name.

Little A also got in some playtime with Cousin K, who is only 6 months older than her, though they did not quite become best friends due to their competition. Maybe next time.

Solstice Again

2010-12-21T13:37:00.008-05:00

I swear it is always winter solstice. Okay, not really. Only on winter solstice do I feel that it is always winter solstice. In fact, I was sure that I had posted a winter solstice blog for every year I have been blogging; that's how sure I was that solstice was omnipresent. It turns out I only referred to it twice since 2004 and only once did it have its own post. In both posts I referred to it as a "hopeful" time, I think in order to convince myself. Otherwise I would probably call it Depression Awareness Day. But, I am completely okay with saying things are cool in order to convince myself that things are indeed cool. How about:

1. "Fake it til you make it"
2. "Be the change you want to see in the world"
3. "Smile and the whole world smiles with you"
4. "Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change"

Snappy as they are I like these quotes because they give you something to do when it seems everything's gone to hell. Hey, at least there's more sunlight every day now. Bonus points if you know who said any of these without googling.

And now . . . Christmas!

See you guys on the plane. We will be the ones with the screaming baby. Would you like to borrow my ipod loaded up with the top 25 songs of the year, via All Songs Considered? Sorry, dude, that's as loud as it goes.

LCD's Rock and Roll Show!

2010-12-14T08:52:00.002-05:00

This post is empty because I wasn't there, due to illness. Boo hiss.

Flashback December

2010-12-12T15:10:00.014-05:00

So the other day, the baby and I were listening to my "It's a Cool, Cool Christmas" cd and this song--of all songs--made me tear up:

Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas by Eels (This link is weird, but I'm too lazy to find a better one)

(By the way, hyperemotionality is apparently a side effect of having babies. And of getting older. So, it's not my fault that "E" really got to me.)

Let's just say last Christmas with our wonderful/fussy/sleepless newborn was tough. I can certainly imagine tougher Christmases, but for us it was hard enough that we declared December 26th a do-over Christmas day as we had not managed to do a single thing to celebrate Christmas on the 25th. Later that week we found out little A had acid reflux and colic (whatever that is) and it all started to make sense.

December, so far, has been the month of flashbacks for me. I'm remembering the beauty of my precious newborn and I'm remembering how agonizing that first month was. But, also, it was kind of sacred in a way. I feel like my whole being was carved out from the inside to make room for this new mommy person.

Anyway, this Christmas is gonna rock.

Also, LCD wants me to share this song with my many readers as well:

Cakeface

2010-12-07T21:32:00.007-05:00

1

2

3

We survived the year!

2010-12-05T16:54:00.007-05:00

I felt like today was a little microcosm of the last year. Maybe that's not the right way to explain it. But anyway, our lovely babe's behaviors and experiences seemed to follow the pattern of the last twelve months all in one day. Words are failing me because I'm tired and I have no blogging pride.

The first couple hours today were rough. The poor baby has a cold, has been constipated for a couple days and is cutting some new teeth. She spent a lot of the time crying in the morning. It was reminiscent of the newborn Little A. Except for the part where I skillfully met her needs, distracted her when possible, and held her calmly when there was nothing else to do. I have a year of round-the-clock experience, so--you know--I'm pretty good now.

By the end of the day she was having so much fun. It turns out she L-O-V-E loves cake. She absolutely destroyed her piece and experienced her first sugar high, which--I'll be honest--is not that different than her normal everyday behavior. She kept crawling up and down the stairs and then returning to the living room to open each of her gifts, walking like Frankenstein across the floor from the stairs (it's hilarious). She was totally into the decorations and balloons (new word alert: balloon = boo) and she got very excited about one of her toys:

In case you missed it, she really really really likes dogs. Good pick, person that is not me. Man she is so cute. I love her so much. In case you care I am planning to post some pics and videos later after I get them all uploaded and such.

Yes, we had an anniversary

2010-12-02T21:25:00.003-05:00

Since I already posted the mushy stuff and wrote a 4 page letter re: the details of how we met for LCD (since his memory of such things is for crap), I think I can keep it simple and say that I feel ridiculously lucky that I am in one of those marriages that actually got even better after the baby was born. I foresee year four continuing the trend of getting better all the time*.

I am thrilled that I get to keep him forever.

* It occurs to me that year two of dating was sort of excruciating at times (when it felt like all our foibles were under a microscope) and that may be why marriage has been so awesome.

Babies are funny

2010-11-30T16:46:00.010-05:00

Yesterday, Little A pointed at my cell phone and said "baby" (her newest word, I think). At first I started to say, "Actually sweetie that's a phone," but then I looked at my phone and noticed there was a picture of her as my wallpaper. Har har. She is a baby after all.

Let it be known that babies generally know what they are talking about. So, instead I said "that is a baby. I know her. Do you know her? Is that Little A?" No response.

So Little A knows that she is a baby. But, does she know that she is her? Hmmmmmmm . . .

On another note, one year ago today was my official resignation from my job. I can't believe it's been a whole year. No wonder the money is running out (hahahaha . . . le sigh).

Thanksgiving Post

2010-11-25T11:25:00.003-05:00

I feel like I owe the universe a Thanksgiving blog this year. Though one of the harder years to date, this year has been so jam-packed full of blessings it's not really even fair. I'm sort of overwhelmed with it all, actually, and I've got to get back to that turkey, so I'll just pick a few:

My husband: He is my true love. He is a better daddy than I had ever imagined my children would have. He is my best friend. He is the one that made that last post possible as he was with me every step. When I felt depressed and helpless after I had our sweet babe, he was the only person I could talk to without feeling like I had cotton balls in my mouth. I could say every word and I knew he heard it. I have thought often about how challenging the newborn time was but that I would rather have ten colicky babies than have to trade for a less supportive husband. (UNIVERSE that is NOT a challenge--totally cool with #2 being an angel baby.) Never did I expect I would be so blessed in the man department. He should probably get another dedicated post next week when we turn three, but I will try not to gross my 3-4 readers out too much.

My ANGEL baby: Okay so she may not fit the common description of angel baby = EASY and content, but she is absolute fun and sweetness and delight. She shows me every day how fantastic it is to experience everything around us. One of her most frequent words recently is "wow." She has so much love in her. She smiles at almost every person she sees. Everyone is her friend. It's contagious too: I find myself smiling at strangers. I wish it could stay that way. She is JOYFUL. She also teaches me how to be a mom. I wasn't sure I was ready when she came (though I was very excited), but she has made me ready. She is an incredible gift.

--BREAK for FEASTING ---------------

The feast was wonderful. Everything went well. The turkey was flavorful. The twenty bazillion hour gravy was very tasty but salty. The sidedishes everyone brought were superb. And the cranberries were maybe the best part. (Side note: I made cranberry cream pie and had a bit of a fit the night before during the crust rolling which I hate and am terrible at. My husband promised we could buy a crust next time. Of course then we ate the pie and homemade crust is so delicious. Maybe next time LCD can try rolling the crust?)

-----------------------------------

More thankfulness:

Insight: Not mine, usually, but the insight of others has made my life so much better this year. For example, my sister-in-law that I very rarely talk to, packed up and sent her electric breastpump (don't worry, it was the Ameda, which is the only one that is really considered okay to use and pass on) with my Mom when she came out last December. Boy, did I need that thing. And how about my younger brother that just rocks at keeping things in perspective and sharing little bits of wisdom almost every time I talk to him? Or whoever it was that mentioned what kind of sippy cups worked really well for their kid? Once my daughter learned to drink out of one there was finally hope for her not being constipated all the time, poor babe. These are just a few random examples. I feel like I have lived by the insight of others this year.

Is there more?

The year in milk production

2010-11-19T12:42:00.017-05:00

In a couple weeks I earn my golden ta-tas for one year of service. I'm sure plenty of people will think this comparison is ridiculous but I feel almost like a deployed soldier. Motherhood itself is very much an "in the trenches" activity--or it can be. How a mommy feeds her baby, specifically, seems to be such a personal thing and a journey of self-discovery for so many of us mommies. I would never judge any mom that ended up making different choices than I did re: what to feed her babies (assuming it's relatively healthy of course), but for me I feel like I've really earned the right to say "I can do hard things."

For some moms, maybe breastfeeding was the easy part. For others maybe it wasn't the thing for them or they weren't able to do it--I guarantee to you that I would not have managed it if I had gone back to work full-time as I am not a good pumper. I know for some, their journey of self-discovery includes them having to make the gut-wrenching decision to stop trying to swim upstream, that it is best for their baby and family to formula-feed. But, this is my blog, and for me breastfeeding was both very difficult AND the right thing to do.

At the hospital the nurses said, "You're doing everything you're supposed to. I don't know why it's not working. Just keep trying, I guess?"

Then the one lactation consultant said, "You may just not be able to breastfeed."

But the other one said, "You've definitely got something (colostrum) in there. Don't give up. Try this," and then she would forcibly shove my newborn's face against me and MAKE IT WORK. She was kind of nuts, but she was also the one that gave me hope. I needed that hope when I was waiting 7 or 8 days for my milk to come in (for the uninitiated, that's late).

Next came the endless (baby) crying and the doctor saying she had lost more than 10% of her birth weight and we would have to supplement after feeding. Oh noes. The books I read said supplementing was the beginning of the end for breastfeeding. I was, of course, distraught. It's very easy to become distraught when you are a new mom.

Well, not so, says the lady two weeks shy of the one year mark for breastfeeding (ahem: me). Sometimes your baby just needs a little extra help to live. And sleep. And grow. You might still be able to feed them 80-90% of what they need (or maybe not, but you gotta do what you gotta do).

So marathon feedings, and colicky baby, and acid reflux, and supplements (first after every feeding day and night and eventually consolidated), and mastitis x 2, and mommy's depression, and squirming, wriggling, distracted, and how-could-I-forget biting baby, and how can it be worth it? How can still waking up at 5 am every morning for the early morning feed be worth it at this point? I'll be honest: possibly the biggest motivator this whole time has been the fact that I am cheap. We only ever had to buy two things of formula (hooray for free samples), so score one for the cheap lady. And yes there is that magical moment at 5 am, or 2:30 am if that's when she's feeling it, when the baby smiles at only her mommy while the world sleeps, and that is pretty neat too. Okay it's really neat.

I recently read an article about how breastfeeding moms need more support to be successful. There's no doubt it would be a lot easier for would-be-breast feeders if pumping at work was encouraged rather than simply allowed (and then only if you can make it fit into your meeting schedules, etc., and oh yeah possibly in the bathroom stall). And if lactation consultants were covered by insurance and easy to find (maybe at the pediatrician's office!).

But the bizarre thing to me about the article were the angry comments from one mom to another. This first year of new baby is hard enough without the judging, or the even more prevalent judging the judgers (huh?). I try to just ignore this oddly vindictive/defensive back-and-forth and focus on the fact that I did what I thought I could not and I am a stronger person and mom for it.

I think just about every mom can say that about something. I am sure that my own mom can. She can also say that she stood by me as I became a mom for the first time, during the fumbling, no-sleeping, clueless, helpless, energy-sapping, scary time post-hospital and pre-sanity return. I wonder if that was a "hard thing" for her. Maybe after raising four kids nothing is hard anymore. In any case, moms are awesome.

I sure hope I can be an awesome mom. Maybe little A will tell me so in about 31 years.

Mind: blown

2010-11-18T16:18:00.003-05:00

I just found out someone I know now also knows a lot of the same people I knew twenty years ago! For the last nineteen years I have been wondering how my first fake boyfriend has been doing since he moved away when I was thirteen (he happened to have a disease that can drastically shorten your lifespan). It turns out he is doing fine. It might be weird that I care so much but I am actually thrilled to hear this.

One of his sisters was actually the first person I knew of that had the name of my now-daughter. Yup, the seed was planted a long time ago. I feel like everything has come full circle and am waiting for the final cosmic whatsit to hit the fan.

The Cap'n

2010-11-15T11:42:00.005-05:00

To remember: My little babe called every animal at the farm/park we went to a "dog." She also gets so excited every time she sees actual dogs when we are out and about. She will continue to point to the spot we last saw a dog and say "dog" long after it has moved on. For some time she has been calling all round objects balls. At Halloween every time we saw a pumpkin she would point like a wild woman and say "ball! ball!" She is so excited about life. Oh, "ball" is also usually the first thing we hear her say when she wakes up in the morning. So maybe she dreams of them? Let's see: loves dogs, dreams of balls. Pants when excited. Maybe I gave birth to a puppy instead of a baby.

I love her.

I love November

2010-11-10T15:02:00.006-05:00

I was expecting to hate this month. I get really anxious about the darker days and being stuck inside, especially considering how depressed I was last winter ( = clinically so). But it has been lovely so far: sunny and not too cold and just beautiful and crisp with autumn all around us. I have played outside with my baby the last three days in a row and plan to keep it up. Also... baby swimming lessons started! And we are hosting Thanksgiving and I'm excited to get my hands on a turkey. I feel like we've just mooched for the past many years and I spend most of Thanksgiving standing around like a doofus. Not this year. Oh yeah, and who could forget HP7? Finally, I am thinking about little A's first birthday. We're not really doing a party but it just feels like such an accomplishment to have survived the year and have a happy baby to show for it. She's so happy lately!

Here's hoping December, January, and (ugh) February can keep being awesome.

Ker-splat

2010-11-08T09:51:00.005-05:00

She's learning how to walk. What a battle it is. She's got chin scrapes, bumps on her forehead, random red spot under her eye. Poor baby. But she battles on, with that enormous head of hers. Okay it's not that enormous--it's just above average. However, her body is now like 10th percentile or so. Basically, she's got a 12 monther's head on a 6 monther's body. So . . . bonk. Bam. Ker-splat.

Here's another picture just for fun:

I'm sneaking in this last one several days later because I don't think we've showed off her teeth yet. Ta daa:

My brother is awesome

2010-10-31T20:56:00.004-04:00

Sometimes it has to be said. He is currently sharing his 2007 spoken word/musical Christmas album online at his blog real love. real muscles. Since none of them are traditional Christmas songs or stories you can listen to them now without being sickened. I recommend "The Time I Fell Into the Toilet on Christmas Eve." He is "in the studio" working on a 2010 Christmas album; I'm sure it will be a fantastic soundtrack for this year.

Oh beware that the song "Its Christmas" can remain stuck in your head for months. You may want to wait on that one.

It's just the way I -role

2010-10-28T22:00:00.003-04:00

That may be the dumbest pun ever.

I have recently volunteered to be in charge of organizing a bunch of women (now that I think about it I'm not sure why we can't invite men too--I'll get on that) to prepare hot meals for a homeless/unemployed/what-have-you services center once a month. It's really not a big deal and I really dig being at least somewhat involved in the community. I was much better at it when I was single and childless. Especially when I was underemployed and pennies away from becoming homeless myself. So I'm trying to get back to that part of myself. Meanwhile, I am learning a whole new genre of cooking known as the casserole.

People cringe at the word and I'm pretty sure it's considered all kinds of lame and 1950's housewife, but there is a time and a place for everything. And lest ye be confused I am at best an "adequate" housewife, so I don't think LCD is going to stop cooking West African, Indian, Thai, etc. anytime soon. I had made maybe two casseroles in my life before this new development, though I'm headed for number four in about a week. The thing is it's actually kind of awesome how stinkin' easy these things are. Gourmet they are not (generally). Nor are they interesting and ethnic. But I find myself actually getting excited to try a good macaroni and cheese recipe. Yes, this is what I am becoming. Pretty cool, huh?

This month we are making one of the longest-lived American casserole recipes in existence: The Tuna Noodle Casserole. My friends, we are talking about pasta, canned tuna, and peas as the main ingredients. You better believe I am making one for the homeless people and one for us. Peas are by far my baby's favorite vegetable and here is a chance to really make them sing.

A year from now I may or may not be the Casserole Queen. I'm leaning towards "may not" buy I'm leaving "may" out there as a possibility. These days anything is possible.

into the spirit

2010-10-28T10:57:00.006-04:00

Kinda spooky, eh?

Here it is on the porch.
This is what we do while the child sleeps. I also cut myself with gigantic knives, that's how good I am (don't worry--not serious).

communication

2010-10-21T10:29:00.002-04:00

I know this is mostly a mom-blog now, but I don't really care. Babies are far more fascinating than most jobs, politics, tv shows, craft projects (ha ha--like I do craft projects), etc. forever. We did make the most delicious butternut squash soup last night, though, so we are appropriately fall festive in case you were wondering. Oh man, it was good. Stole the recipe from this woman at church.

But the topic for today is communicating with babies. Ignorant me, I thought I would definitely know when little a said her first word. Did you see the episode of Modern Family where Lily keeps saying "mama" and her gay dads have a meltdown and then it turns out she is just repeating what a doll says? Yeah, and she just crawls around silent the rest of the time saying nothing.

That is not what happens.

Little a talks constantly, so it's hard to know when she is really saying a word. If she says "babababa" all the time, then she picks up a ball and says "ba," did she just say ball? If she says "mamamamamama" all the time and when I say "Do you want to come with mama?" she repeats "mama," did she really just say mama to mean me? And if she says it when she's tired and cranky but she doesn't actually look at me, does it mean she wants me or does it just mean "Hi, I am tired and cranky?" It's all about the context clues, I guess. She definitely says something close to "bye bye" (though really it's somewhere midway between "ba ba" and "bye bye") and she often waves her hand when she says it, but does she really get that she is saying "goodbye" or "I'll see you later?" I guess if I have to pick her first word it probably is "bye bye" and if I have to make the call I do think she really is saying "ball," but the jury is still out on both "mama" and "dada," both of which she says often enough and sometimes at appropriate moments, but it is unclear whether it is on purpose.

The cool thing, though, is no matter what she actually says I am getting better and better and telling what she means. Often she'll point or just look longingly at something and when I get it for her she gets a big grin on her face. Success! We have basic cave man communication. It's different than just reading her signs. It feels much closer to talking. Sometimes I can even get HER to do stuff, which is the truly amazing part. I can say "give that to mommy" the oft-loved "no, don't touch" or "get the bear" (pointing) and it actually happens. I think she is happier because of all this, because we sometimes get each other.

Feel free to share anything on babies and communication, if you want.

all of THE sudden

2010-10-19T16:30:00.002-04:00

Almost five years into our relationship and I still get made fun of by LCD for saying it "all of the sudden" instead of "all of a sudden." I will never change and I am not sure whether the giggles and/or ridicule will ever stop. Note to LCD: If you think you're ever going to shame me just because I say a phrase the way I learned it at age 4, you can kiss my butt. I will also continue to say kiss my butt.

This is the stuff awesome marriages are made of.

Please vote in the songwriting challenge

2010-10-16T10:01:00.004-04:00

But not for me. Unless you really think my song is THAT awesome. See, I'm a little worried that there may have been a biased vote or two in the current songwriting challenge and I want to be sure that the winner (maybe me) actually deserves it. So we need more voters that are not going to just go straight for the pity/friend vote. You guys won't coddle me, right? Yes, I'm talking to the three of you.

Anyway, check out the music over at songwriting challenge

And I'll be honest: the entries are not really as good as usual. But they're not too bad either. And there are only five of them!

Thanks, kiddos.

Life with 10 month-old...

2010-10-12T09:32:00.011-04:00

rocks. Seriously, all the newborn colicky crap was worth this time hangin' with my sweet, fun, social butterfly. Last night we went to this delicious Afghan restaurant down the street and she made friends with absolutely everyone there. She even got one of the waitresses she had been eyeing to come pick her up by holding her arms out toward her. She freakin' loves almost everyone. (If she does not love you, I'm sorry. Either you are evil or the whole thing is completely random.)

She has all kinds of fun new tricks to entertain: clapping, hugs, waving bye-bye, (sometimes even at the right time and ba ba is morphing into an understandable "bye-bye"), high-fives (okay, a little coaching needed), and she laughs all the time. I haven't hung out with babies a whole lot in my lifetime, but she is definitely the most energetic and social one I have seen in a while or maybe ever. And yes this means a LOT of chasing her around. A LOT. Seriously, she almost never stops and plays in one place. But I will take the chasing, gladly, over the hours of crying from yestermonth. If only I could permanently fix her pain-in-the-butt (literally) digestive system, it would be pretty much constant joy. Oh well, opposition is necessary in life. Oh, and I think we might just have our drummer. She loves hitting things with other things, especially with sticks and stick-shaped objects. When we head to the basement she always wanders over to our drum set and starts banging on the bass drum.

Columbus Day photos...

We went to Homestead Farm

to go apple picking

and find the perfect pumpkin.

The baby hung out in the pumpkins for a while, examining the choices, playing with ladybugs

and watching daddy take pictures.

When we got home we decided to enjoy the fruits of our labor. We also made a pie that was pretty tasty.

And if those pictures weren't cute enough for you. Look at my sweet laughing baby:

Can you see her two tiny teeth? They aren't quite all the way up yet but they are enough to sort-of kind-of bite into an apple.

Yes, I was going to stop blogging, but it is too good a way to chronicle things. Instead, as a start, I am disallowing myself from reading blogs of people I have never met.